L What If Parody
by Ratt9
Summary: What if L wanted to become a two headed monster? What if L has identity crisis? What if L discoveres the wonders of Vegas? What if L watches James Bond? What if L goes skydiving with Light and Misa? Find out that and others! Crackfic. O.O.C. Slightly A/U
1. Shut Up, Slave

Okay people, this is CRAZY. My friend Sakonon and I were on the phone talking about L and what would happen to L in random, improbable situations that we thought up randomly! :D By the time we had thought up about 15 crazy things, shes like "Ratt! We need to start writing this down!" And so I did. Okay, this is NOTHING like my normal writing. My normal writing is…like…much more formal than this. When I wrote this, I was on a sugar rush because I ate lots of jolly ranchers (a REAL sugar rush, with REAL sugar lol, unlike L [see below]). So this is pretty much A/U, O.O.C, and a crackfic. Hmm, I've been writing a lot more of these lately for some reason… mainly because they are fun to write. Like, if I want a magical unicorn to come down from the sky to save everyone, I CAN _GET _A MAGICAL UNICORN TO COME DOWN FROM THE SKY TO SAVE EVERYONE! :D That's awesome! Lol. So, I don't plan on revising this because I am going to be writing this super super fast. So. I am aware that none of this would ever happen. Thus, crackfic! =D And don't forget to review! I need to know your opinions on this if I am going to be posting any more! I have no idea how anyone will like it. All I know is that Sakonon and I found this hilarious! But, we don't know about how everyone else will think of it. But I HAVE written more, so just give the word and I'll post more. ^ ^ you are all awesome. And im still on a sugar rush. So I'm gonna stop talking now! :D 

**Scenario: What if Watari scolded Ryuzaki while the microphone connected to the giant jumbotron (in the middle of the city, on that random skyscraper) was accidentally left on right after L's big impressive debut?**

_W: _Ryuzaki! You must stop eating those potato chips!

_L: _Why? –whines-

_W: _Because ALL YOU DO IS EAT SUGAR AND ICE CREAM! It's not healthy!

_L: _But they're MY potato chips! You bought them for me!

_W: _And I can take them away JUST AS EASILY! Now hand them over!

_L: _But they help me think better!

_W: _They don't help you think better! They help keep you awake! Which leads me to my NEXT discussion! You need to get more sleep! The last time you slept was like, 2 weeks ago, for like, 4 hours!

_L: _But I need to catch Kira! Sleeping is a waste of time!

_W: _GO TO SLEEP!

_L: _No! That's not fair to say! I'm your BOSS!

_W: _Well, I _RAISED _YOU!

_L: _You just raised! But you aren't my father! I'm an ORPHAN! I was alone living on the streets by my own rules until you came and saved me!

_W: _YOUR GOING TO GIVE YOURSELF A HEART ATTACK!

_L: _Well if I don't catch Kira, HE will give me a heart attack instead! Besides, I'm 25! 25 year olds generally don't get heart attacks!

_W: _Well, IM 70! And I have more experience! So go to bed! You haven't slept in 2 weeks!

_L: _No!

_W: _If you don't go to your room right now, im gonna spank you!

_L: _NOOO! Don't!

_W: _I will do it! GO TO BED!

_L: …fine…_

_-two minutes later-_

_W_: …uh…Ryuzaki…?

_L: _What?

_W: _You know that giant jumbotron that is located in the middle of that really busy street that a quarter of the entire Japanese population can see?

_L: _yes, what about it?

_W: _Well…um…the microphone…I…uh…kinda accidentally left it on…

_L: _WHAT?

_W: _IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

_-people on the streets staring at the letter L that displays, watching in weirdness-_

_L: _I CANT BELIEVE THIS EMBARRASSMENT!

_W: _-freaking out- IM SORRY! ILL EVEN GIVE YOU YOUR CHIPS BACK! YOU DON'T NEED TO GO TO BED!

_L: _IM GONNA KILL YOU!

_-the last thing the people hear is a huge crash-_

_People: _-whispering amongst themselves- this…is the person who is gonna save us from Kira? A 25 year old with sleeping problems and an eating disorder?

_Other person: _…we're doomed…

_Light: _Is this guy a joke?

**Scenario: Have any of you (besides Sakonon and I) noticed that it seems like L almost never leaves his computer, not even to take a shower? Well, what if Soichiro noticed it too?**

_S: _Hey, Ryuzaki?

_L: _Yes, Yagami-san?

_S: _I've never seen you take a shower.

_L: O_o;;; _Is this something you would like to see happen, Yagami-san?

_S: _-realizing how wrong that just sounded- No! Not like that! o_o;; I didn't mean it like that!

_L: _Then please explain what you DO mean, if you don't mind.

_S: _I mean, it seems like you never take a shower! When was the last time you took a shower?

_L: _-thinks- hmm…the day before the Kira case started.

_S: _o_o;;; -takes a step back-

_Light: _IM CHAINED TO THIS GUY?

_L: _-innocent smile-

**Scenario: What if L has a sugar rush?**

_-L gets some sleep for the first time in a very long time. He wakes up, feeling refreshed-_

_L: _Watari! Get me some sugar!

_W: _-gets L what he requested-

_L: _Thank you. –eats the sugar-

_-due to the fact that he usually eats sugar when he is tired and has no energy, he gets super hyper because of the sugar due to the fact that he is not tired-_

_L: _WHOA! WEEEEEEEE! THIS IS FUN! –starts to run around Kira Task Force HQ- =D HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

_-Matsuda is the first to arrive that morning-_

_L:_ HI MATSUDA! HOWS IT GOING?

_Matsuda: _._. uh…hi Ryuzaki…did something good happen?

_L: _-gives BIG smile- NO NOTHING AT ALL! ^ ^

_Matsuda: _Ah-huh…

_-L runs off-_

_-Soichiro arrives next-_

_S: _MATSUDA! HAVE YOU SEEN RYUZAKI?

_Matsuda: Yeah, he—_

_S: _I HAVE MAJOR NEWS! I MUST TALK TO HIM IMMEDIETLY! I FOUND A SECRET COMPARTMENT IN LIGHT'S DESK DRAWER BUT WHEN I TRIED TO GET IN IT, THE DESK EXPLODED! –calls- RYUZAKI!

_L: _HI YAGAMI-SAN!

_S: _I have major news pertaining to Light! I think he's hiding something—

_L: _ I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! HES KIRA! HES KIRA! LIGHT IS KIRA!

_S: _Are…you alright, Ryuzaki?

_L: _NO! It would seem that the sugar has finally caught up with me! I seem to be experiencing a sugar rush! –runs past Soichiro, knocking him over in the process-

_W: _Ryuzaki! Ryuzaki! CALM DOWN!

_L: _HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHY?

_W: _The sugar I gave you wasn't real sugar! It was splenda! I gave you SPLENDA! YOU ARENT REALLY ON A SUGAR RUSH! ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD!

-L pauses-

_L: _What. Did. You. Just. Say?

_W: _ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD! It's not a sugar rush! You just aren't used to the feeling of not being tired!

_L: _…So…you are saying that I just made a total fool of myself because you gave me splenda and not real sugar?

_W: _…

_L: _AHHHHHHH! THIS IS SO HUMILIATING! –writes his own name in the Death Note-

_Task Force Investigation Team (TFIT): _-GASP- WHAT DID YOU JUST DO!

_Light: -thinking to himself- _I cant believe it was that easy…

_L: _I CANT STAND SUCH HUMILIATION! WATARI! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

_-at that moment L drops dead of a heart attack-_

-_40 years later, watari is sitting at a restaurant, sad-_

_Random person: _Hey, man, what's wrong?

_W: _Oh, I'm just sad…40 years ago, I gave this guy splenda rather than real sugar.

_Random Person: _…o…kay? And…?

_W: _-looks down, shaking head- He killed himself because of it…

_Random person: _O_o…what was his name?

_W: _Oh, I can't tell you. He was L. I am Watari.

_Random person: _. . . so…L is dead because of you…?

_W: _-looks down- I'm afraid so.

_Random person: _SO YOU ARE THE REASON THAT THE WORLD IS BEING RULED BY THAT TYRANT MASS MURDERER KIRA?

_W: _o_o;;; perhaps… -looks around-

_Random person: _-shouts- EVERYONE! KILL THAT MAN!

_W: _AHHHHHHH!

**Scenario: What if L went on the jumbotron again using the microphone while he was still chained to Light and Light has a small problem?**

_-L does an announcement to the people of Japan, his face hidden behind the fancy L but everyone can hear him-_

_L: _And so, people of Japan, that is why I believe that Kira has the—

_Light: _-not noticing what L is doing, just entering the room (L had been close enough to the door so that the chain was long enough to let Light leave the room a bit)- -enters room, cuts L off- Hey, Ryuzaki? I can't find my clothes. Did you do something with them? I just got out of the shower and I can't seem to locate them…

_L: _. . . Light. I am on the microphone, everyone in Japan just heard you say that. And try the closet.

_Light: _…Crap. And I can't _get _to the closet. It would mean going too far away from you! The chain that connects us isn't long enough for me to go that far!

_L: _-sighs- Fine, I'll come to the closet with you. –thinks he turned off the microphone, but he accidentally didn't-

_Light: _THANK you.

_People listening from the street: _I didn't know L was gay… o.o

**Scenario: What if L kills Light and he is telling the police force that he did so, via computer/voice modifier and fancy L?**

_L: _-to police force, using computer and fake voice- Well, I killed Kira.

_Random cop: _What? How? Who was it?

_L: _It was Light Yagami. And he tried to take my potato chip and eat it, so I took an axe and killed him. _No one_, and I mean NO ONE, steals my potato chips. Not even WATARI.

_W: _-in the background- L, give me your potato chips NOW.

_L: _…no…

_W: _You've had too much today!

_L: _but…

_W: _NOW!

_L: _…fine…

-police force just staring at the computer-

_L: _Anyway, as I was saying…

**Scenario: What if L speaks on the jumbotron while chained to Light, and Light has something to say to everybody in Japan?**

_L: _Hello, people of Japan. This is L. Kira has not been caught yet, however—

_Light: _-cuts in- EVERYBODY! THIS MAN, L, IS KEEPING ME CHAINED TO HIM! WITH A _CHAIN!_ I'M SERIOUS! ISNT THERE _ANYBODY _OUT THERE THAT WILL HELP ME? PLEASE! THIS IS AGONY! HES TORTURING ME! PLEASE! SOMEO—

_L: _Shut up, slave. –cracks whip-

_Light: _-cry of agony-

_L: _Ahem. Anyway, as I was saying…

**Okay, people. I know there are like, a MILLION mistakes in this. And I overused the CAPS LOCK and the exclamation points! But, in all honesty, with this particular story, I really don't care. I was writing it while on the phone with my friend Sakonon, and I was trying to type fast enough to keep up with all of our ideas. I really have no idea what you guys think of this, so I'm not gonna post any more until you guys review and tell me how you liked it! Give me feedback! It's like…my food! :D I will be forever grateful! And yes, I know that this story was ridiculous and everyone was COMPLETELY O.O.C, except for maybe Matsuda. And potentially Soichiro. So, FEEDBACK! And, IDEAS! (if you have them) :D ^_^ thank you all so much!**


	2. Notice

Hey everybody! This is the authors, Sakonon and Ratt! We plan to make this story have lots of chapters and everything, but we need help! Even though it may not seem it, coming up with these ideas are HARD. However, we have found that it is easier when we are discussing it together. So, we are asking if anyone would like to help us come up with some ideas! If anyone is interested, shoot Ratt an email at "rattkaz (at sign) yahoo. com" and we'll get back to you. Everybody is welcome! …Except for Flyboy. Who is even a bigger stalker than Ratt…which is really hard to accomplish…ANYWAY! :D Please consider it! We plan to get the next chapter up very soon…just as soon as we type it up. Right now its written by hand in a notebook. D: so just wait a bit.

Well, have a nice day! …Or evening! :D Or morning! Or whatever you are having! ! !


	3. Get Ready To Karaoke

First: Yes! I KNOW I love playing with the jumbotron! It's really fun!

After the James Bond Scenario, I was then working alone. Caylyn and I discussed fully up to the James Bond thing and then she had to go. I stayed up alllllll night, writing down more ideas that came to me. But in my opinion the quality gets worse and worse. Can you tell the difference between which ones we discussed together and the ones that I did on my own? The ones I did on my own are a lot crappier.

**Scenario: What if L tried karaoke and Light got an amusing idea?**

_Light: _Hey, L, I can beat you in karaoke!

_L: _Oh really?

_Light: _Yeah! –sings karaoke- Okay, your turn. –hands microphone-

_L: _Alright. –takes mic-

_-Light switches the microphones; he unplugs the mic L is holding and he plugs it in to the slot that connects to the giant jumbotron in the middle of the street so that everyone can hear L singing, without L's knowledge-_

_L: _-sings- "My milkshake brings all boys to the yard!..." "Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was HOT like ME!..." "I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me, papa-paparazzi!"

-at the same time-

_-police chief talking to Soichiro-_

_Chief: _So, this L guy…can we really trust him?

_S: _Yes. In fact, he is on the front lines right now risking his life.

-they both hear a noise coming from outside. They step out onto the balcony and see the fancy L displayed on the jumbotron and hears L singing karaoke (with the voice modifier on)-

_Chief: _. . . . . . seriously…?

_S: _. . . –looks around- what the HECK are they DOING?

**Scenario: Misa wants to take Light on a rather interesting date while L and Light are attached with the chain.**

_Misa: _Light! We're going on a date! I don't want Ryuzaki to come though!

_L: _I'm afraid that's impossible.

_Light: _Well, where are we going, anyway?

_Misa: _:D SKYDIVING! ! ! ! ! !

_L & Light: _. . .

_Misa: _Okay, lets GO! :D

_L: _This is a bad idea…

_Light: _Tell me about it…

_-in the plane-_

-Misa is the only one who has her parachute pack on her back at the moment-

-the plane door opens. Misa tries to hug Light but ends up falling out of the plane, dragging Light along with her. Because Light and L are attached, all three of them fall out of the plane and Misa is the only one with a parachute-

_Misa: _AHHHHHHHHH! ! ! ! ! !

_Light: _-holding on to Misa for dear life-

-_Misa falls off of Light but manages to grab hold of L's foot. She tries to climb up L to get to Light-_

_L: _…

_-_Misa, in her panic, forgets that she needs to pull the cord to the parachute in order to stop their freefall-

_-as she attempts to climb up L, she accidentally ends up pulling his pants down and then his pants fall off, exposing his "__**I 3 MisaMisa!**__" briefs-_

_L: _-freaking out in embarrassment-

_Light: _-while Misa is panicking and L freaking out about his briefs, Light grabs Misa's parachute cord and pulls it, and they all float to the ground safely-

_L: _-has to walk, very embarrassed, through the main investigation room in his Misa undies in order to get to his room to get new jeans-

**Scenario: What if, during the Yotsuba crisis, L is incredibly tired and half asleep and Aiber plays a joke on him?**

_-L's phone rings, and he answers it- _

_L: _Hello?

_Aiber: _-jokingly- Hey, it's Eraldo Coil.

_L: _Oh, hi Coil. What is it?

_Aiber: _-weirded out a bit that L actually thinks that Coil was speaking to him, but decides to try to get some amusement out of it- Uh…I've figured out your true identity!

_L: _o_o What?

_Aiber: _It's true. And I am going to be sending you to a health clinic.

_L: _NOOOO! ! ! ! ! But then I can't solve the Kira case!

_Aiber: _Don't worry, Denueve/Denev (no idea how to spell it lol and I don't feel like looking it up at the moment) has already taken over for you.

_L: _Oh, he has?

_Aiber: _Yes.

_L: _That's good, then.

_Aiber: _…Ryuzaki, I'm JOKING. It's me, Aiber. YOU are Coil and Denuev, remember?

_L: _Ooh yeah, that's right!

**Scenario: What if L watches James Bond?**

-L is watching James Bond-

_L: _-when it's over- Watari! Turn off all of the video cameras in this room!

_W: _-thinks to himself- _This _cant _be good… _Um, alright, Ryuzaki.

-Watari keeps the video cameras on anyway, and watches Ryuzaki from the observation room-

_-L starts acting like James Bond-_

-Kira Task Force gathers around the video monitor to see what the heck L is doing-

_-L starts sneaking around the room pretending to shoot bad guys with finger guns-_

_L: _BANG, BANG!

_-L does tumbles and stunt moves-_

-everyone in the observation room stares at him-

**Scenario: What if Misa offered L a kiss?**

_L: _-using the Jumbotron, talking to the people of Japan about Kira-

_Misa: _-entering the room- Hey, Ryuzaki? You know when I was calling you a stalker and a pervert? Well I promised you a kiss, remember? Well, I'll give it to you now!

_L: _Uh…everyone, be right back. –shuts off microphone-

_-L gets a kiss from Misa-_

_L: _-turns mic back on- Everyone! I just got a kiss from Misa! ^/^

-L tells everyone because he is proud, because he is a Misa fanboy XD-

**Scenario: What if L tries to go undercover as a male model?**

_-L suspects Misa so he has no choice but to try to get to be a male model temporarily in order to get close to her-_

_L: _Hello, I am applying for the role of a model.

_Model Lady Director Person: _ah-huh… -staring oddly-

_L: _So…what do you think? Do I get the job?

_Director: _Hmm…would you straighten your back?

_L: _No.

_Director: _…Would you get shoes on?

_L: _No.

_Director: _Would you do something about the bags under your eyes?

_L: _No.

_Director: _…would you brush your hair?

_L: _No.

_Director: _. . .would you at least SMILE?

_L: _But there is nothing to smile about…

-5 minutes later-

_L: _-to himself- I wonder why I didn't get the job…

**Scenario: What if L decides to spin right round? ?**

-_L sits in spinny computer chair-_

_-Turns on the song "you spin me right round"-_

-L starts spinning around in it-

-The chain between him and Light gets caught and Light starts spinning too, but he doesn't even notice for some reason-

**Scenario: What if Light replaces all of L's clothes with dresses the day that he has agreed to show his face to the president?**

_President: . . ._why are you wearing a dress?

_L: _-mumbles- What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas…

**Scenario: What if L discovers the wonders of Vegas?**

-L gets drunk and tries to hug some random lady, and gets slapped-

-streaks down the street screaming "I AM L!"-

-L gets a tattoo on his arm that says "I 3 Kira!"-

-_The next day, on the jumbotron (not knowing that it is still on [_yes, I know I use the jumbotron a lot {and I don't even know if its actually CALLED a "jumbotron!"}]) _Watari is scolding L-_

_W: _Ryuzaki! You were streaking in Vegas!

_L: _Watari! First of all, I was drunk. Second of all, THE JUMBOTRON IS STILL ON!

**Scenario: What if L got a dog and trained it to hate Light's scent?**

-When L knows that Light is Kira, but has no proof, he resorts to using drastic measures-

_-L gets Rem to play along with him-_

_L: _Hey everyone! This is a dog! It comes from the Shinigami realm and can track any human that has used the death note!

-Dog starts barking like crazy at Light-

_L: _SEE! I KNEW IT! I TOLD YOU LIGHT IS KIRA! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

**Scenario: What if L is having an off-day and the police contact Watari? **

_W: _L, the police wish to speak with you.

_L: _Alright. –connects to computer- Yes?

_Police: _We would like for you to solve a case for us please.

_L: _-forgetting that he is L at the moment and thinking he is Coil (IDENTITY CRISIS! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !)- I will solve that case if you pay me 8 million dollars.

**Scenario: What if L falls asleep while observing Light with Soichiro?**

_L: _-falls asleep on the couch-

_S: _-sits next to him-

_L: _-wraps arms around Soichiro, still asleep- -sleep talks- I love you cuddle bunny…

_S: _o_o;;?

**Scenario: What if something happened and the media found out about the Death Note?**

-Kira supporters start to fanufacture fake Death Notes that look exactly like the real one, which makes L's job a lot harder-

**Scenario: What if while they are chained together, L falls asleep and Light wakes him up in the morning?**

_Light: _Wake up.

_L: _-half awake, half still dreaming- No, Misa! Don't go!

_Light: . . . . . . . ._…?

_L: _-more awake, but still a bit drowsy- -scowls at Light- You made Misa leave me! …where is Misa?

**Scenario: What if L got an idea when he was told by Rem that she couldn't die? **

_-L decides that he wants to test out some of his fire power. He goes into his closet and gets a grenade launcher, a machine gun, a bomb, & a missile-_

_L: -mutters- _I thought that I would _never _get to use this stuff… heheheh…

-L laughs merrily as he launches all of them at Rem-

**Scenario: What if Ratt decides she wants to write something intensely insane and ridiculous?**

L and the Kira Task Force are planning to have L confront Light. L goes to Light and says, "I just want you to know, I'm L!" Light looks at him and says, "Hi L, nice to meet you. I'm Kira! :D" He laughs in the way only Light can. L shrugs and goes back to hq. Light runs after him, following him with dynamite, and once L and the rest of the members are inside, Light blows the dynamite up but somehow misses the giant building in front of him, so the building is only on fire. A big fire. Everyone is trapped inside. Suddenly a magical unicorn came down from the sky and saved everyone! ! ! ! ! ! ! Watari randomly developed magical superpowers and healed everyone of their burns. L hits light with a plastic cup and Light drops down dead. L takes his axe off the shelf of the Kira Task Force Building (that randomly appeared again, good as new) and hits Aizawa with it. Though Aizawa doesn't die, and suddenly his arms turn into tentacles and whip L. Light then takes a potato chip and eats it, killing them all, except randomly Takada uses the life eraser and brings them all back to life. Even though their names weren't in the death note and Light was supposed to be dead (because of the plastic cup) anyway.

**Scenario: What if L wanted to see what it would be like to become a two-headed monster?**

-Using the chain with the handcuffs, L twirls the chain around him and Light so that their bodies are pressed up against each other and they appeared to have two heads-

_Light: _It was his idea.

**Scenario: What if Near, like L and his sweets and Mellow and his chocolate, enjoyed eating his **_**toys**_**? **(This one was discussed between both Sakonon and I)

-L and Near are sitting there talking to each other-

_L: _So, Near…what are your thoughts on the Kira case? –eating sweets-

_Nate River: _I believe that you are doing the correct things. –chomps on toy- -devours-

_L: _. . ._ Uh…Near?

_N: _Yes?

_L: _Uh…do you always eat your toys…?

_N: _Yes, why do you ask?

_L: _I'm…not sure that's quite healthy…

_N: _-shrugs- Well, neither is sugar.

_L: _While I admit you may have a point, I do believe that sugar is healthier than…uh…plastic…like…devouring your action figures…

_N: _Whatever. It tastes good. –devours another toy- Anyway, back to the Kira Case…

_L: _O_o;;


	4. The Wonders Of Vegas

This one is a bit shorter only because there has been a bit less time to type it all up. I have a big notebook full of ideas and everything, but I just need to get it onto the computer. Thank you everyone for your awesome support! :D We LOVE reviews! Reviews to us is like what sugar is to L! Literally. o.o;; It's actually kinda scary. For example, whenever Sakonon sees that there is a new review, she phones me and lets me know and I freak out and rush to the computer. ._. It's kinda unnatural lol. But thank you everyone for the suggestions and everything! We plan to write them! ^ ^ 

**Scenario: What if Light decided to play a cruel prank on L? **

-Light contacts all of the nearby pastry shops and makes up something about there being a deadly virus in all their cakes, brownies, cupcakes, and the likes-

_L: _Watari! Get me some cake!

_W: _I cannot! All of the cakes have a deadly disease!

_L: _-gasp- IT WAS KIRA'S FAULT! ! ! ! !

_W: _Kira's…fault?

_L: _Yes! He has the ability to kill by using diseases! He's trying to poison me! ! !

_W: _Don't you think that seems…highly illogical?

_L: _NO! He's killing people with a _BOOK_. A BOOK! A MAGICAL BOOK! Anything is possible!

**Scenario: What if Soichiro overhears L and Light in their room eating a fruit bowl (Idea by LLives)?**

-Soichiro hears L and Light talking in their room-

_L: _Whoa! Look at the size of this! (talking about the giant basket of fruit)

_Light: _Look at the size of those _melons! _

_L: _Stop touching my kiwis!

_Light: _But your banana is so much bigger than mine!

_L: _-moans from deliciousness of the strawberry, sucking it loudly-

_Light: _I just want to take a _big _bite out of it (talking about an apple)

_S: _o_o;;

_L: _Oh, this is so fruity!

_Light: _I love lemons.

_L: _I prefer limes.

_Light: _Yeah, it was so nice of the president to send us this fruit basket! :D

_S: _. . . . . . . . . .

**Scenario: What if L tries to catch Kira in a peculiar way?**

-Before L learns how Kira kills, he makes a random guess-

_L: _I _know _you are Kira. I saw you write the same down.

_Light: _How did you find out about the Death Note?

_L: _Death Note? I actually didn't know a thing. Thank you for confirming my suspicions.

**Scenario: What if L really wanted a kiss from Misa?**

-L goes to the studio that Misa works at-

_L: _Hello director, I would like a kiss from Misa.

_D: _(director) Well, Misa isn't here right now, but…we can get a few girls as a replacement.

_L: _no tha—

-5 models come over to him and kiss him-

_L: _o_o all I wanted was MISA!

_D: _Ooh! I thought you would be fine getting a kiss from ANYONE! After all, you don't look like the kind of person who can get a kiss very easily.

_L: _-gapes at her-

**Scenario: What if L and Watari discuss driving without knowing that the jumbotron is on?**

_L: _I am 25. I should be allowed to get a driver's license!

_W: _If you start to drive, I quit.

_L: _Is it because you enjoy driving me around?

_W: _No, it's not that. I just don't trust you behind the wheel.

_L: _Why NOT? ? ? ?

_W: _Remember. Vegas.

_L: _You mean when I went streaking?

_W: _Yes.

_L: _Watari, you know that I do _much _worse.

_W: _Yes, that's what worries me.

_L: _Okay…so I hire criminals. And I have an "I Love Kira" tattoo. And I got drunk and went streaking in Vegas. And I don't sit normally. And I can't straighten my back. And I almost never bathe. And all I eat is sweets. And I only sleep like, once every two weeks. But STILL! That is no reason for me not to be allowed to get a drivers license!

_W: _Yes it is.

_L: _Hmph, fine.

_W: _Oh, crap. The jumbotron is on.

_L: _-sigh- I should figured. It seems like it is always on whenever we are having an embarrassing conversation.

**Scenario: What if L tried to take Near and Maki (ages 12 and 10) to work out? **

_L: _I would like to take these two children into this gym to work out.

_Manager: _-glances at them suspiciously- What are the ages?

_L: _25, 10, and 12.

_Manager: _You, sir, can come inside, but these children certainly may not.

_L: _Why not? They are very mature.

_Manager: _This has nothing to do with maturity. It's age.

_L: _-gasp- you aren't going to let these poor young children work off the pounds? No wonder everyone is so obese! They aren't even allowed to work out! You sir, are the sole reason for all the obese children in the world! Kira ought to kill you off, you criminal!

_Manager: _. . .of course, I suppose I could make an exception…

_L: _Good. Thank you.

**Scenario: What if L, Matsuda, and Light went fishing? **

-Matsuda flings the fishing rod back, ready to cast the line. It hooks on to Ryuzaki's shirt, because he was standing behind him. He accidentally throws L and Light, who are attached, into the water-

Review! :D We hope you enjoyed it! The next chapter will include something…very very very awkward…to say the least…IT WAS ALL SAKONON'S IDEA! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! have a nice day lol ^ ^


	5. Help!

Help! Somebody! o.o;; Sakonon and I can NOT rap to save our lives! ! ! And for one of the things that we are writing, we need a short rap. The dude we know who is really good at rapping decided that he wouldn't be able to make something for this certain subject, so now we are at a total loss! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

So we are now searching for someone who can write a rap! Please! A random, stupid, ridiculous rap. Rather short. It really doesn't matter what its about as long as its kinda dumb. If anyone is willing to write this kind of rap for us, please do one of two things:

1. Send an email to "rattkaz [at sign] yahoo. com" [no spaces…its just that "at" signs don't show up on fanfiction D:]

2. Send Ratt9 a private message on fanfiction

:D Thank you! !


	6. Kellogs Has To Die

Oookay! I think I've posted like…3 chapters today. 3 in one day! Awesome! As always, I hope you enjoy. ^ ^

**Scenario: What if L goes to the airport and is stopped by security for having too much food out of the country?**

-security guard opens L's bag, exposing all of his MisaMisa fanboy stuff. He tries to deny it-

_L: _It's…my friend Light's bag! He has a major thing for Misa.

_Light: _No I don't.

_L: _Sure you do!

_Light: _I…don't. I really don't like Misa. At all.

-L pauses and looks around-

_L: _IT WAS MATSUDA! –points at random old lady-

_Light: _…Matsuda…isn't here.

_L: _. . . . .YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE! ! ! ! ! ! ! –runs away-

**Scenario: What if some guy gave L Acid saying it was sugar and L starts tripping up and acting like Asahi (Asahi: when Matsuda was in trouble in Yotsuba, L phoned and was all like "Dude, its Asahi! Wanna go drinking tonight?" and he was acting all weird. Remember that?)?**

_L: _Woooo! Let's catch Kira, dudes!

_S: _Are you okay, Ryuzaki?

_L: _Huh? I'm finnnneeee… -whiney voice- Why wouldn't I be?

_S: _You…are acting a bit…odd.

_L: _Am I? ? ? Ohhh…I didn't notice, dude, y'know? Hah hah.

_Matsuda: _o-o

_W: _…

**Scenario: What if someone dragged L along to the barber and tried to cut his hair?**

_Barber: _Alright, so I'm going to cut your hair toda—

_L: _EEEEEP! ! ! ! ! ! –freaks out and attacks the barber-

-Barber gets numerous kicks to the face-

-Light tapes the entire event-

**Scenario: What if L ate something really spicy and his tongue went numb?**

_L: _We hafto kill kelogs.

_Matsuda: _What? No more Cap'n Crunch? D: Why? D:

_S: _No, you idiot! He said "we have to catch Kira!" –turns to L- You can't talk right.

_L: _I knnmmy. Tongue gum.

_S: _Your tongue is numb?

_L: _Yeah.

_S: _Why is your tongue numb?

_L: _-points at Light- Ligt hoot a hanbul ob abadero peppuhs imm my cake. [Translation: "Light put a handful of habanero peppers in my cake."]

_S: _What was that?

_A (Aizawa): _No idea.

_L: _-smacks forehead with palm and sighs-

_Matsuda: _He said something about Light putting habanero peppers in his cake, I think. o-o

-all look at Matsuda-

_S: _You understand what he's saying?

_Matsuda: _Well…now that you mention that he's not talking right, yeah, I can. o.o

_L: _. . . Ligt hill pay foh hiss. [Translation: "Light will pay for this."]

_-_Matsuda translates-

_S: _How do you know it was my son?

_-L points to video cameras- _

_L: _I heyed back huh hape. [Translation: "I played back the tape."]

-Matsuda translates-

_Matsuda: _I wonder why Light would do that…

_L: _Hecuss he's Kelog uh'course! [Translation: "Because he's Kira of course!"]

-Light walks in the room-

_Light: _Hey, how's it going guys—

_L: _-light gets cut off by Ryuzaki- ISS KELOGS! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! AHHHHHHHHHHH! -L charges at Light and tackles him- [Translation: "IT'S KIRA! ! ! ! ! !" –barbaric scream- ]

_Light: _? What the heck! ! ! ! HELP! Ryuzaki, get off me! ! ! !

_L: _HUH UP KELOGS! [Translation: "Shut up Kira!"]

_Light: _._.

-Soichiro drags L off of Light-

_S: _. . . That's enough of that.

(Author's note: OH MY GOD! THIS NEXT STORY! Okay. This is Ratt, and I would like to inform you all that I had NO part of this next story. All I did was write exactly what Sakonon told me to write. It was so awkward to write…I just hope you all know that I had no part in it and its all Sakonon's fault that its included in this collection! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! o_o)

**Scenario: What if L is afraid of dinosaurs and a rather awkward event occurs pertaining to Jurassic Park?**

**-**L and Light are in a movie theatre watching a special 3-D version of Jurassic Park, which L has never seen and it looks very real to him. Light and L leave at the end. L is quaking in fear because of the movie-

-Outside of the theatre there are several Porto-potties. L goes to the restroom and Light gets an idea. Light tells Ryuuk that he will give him 13 apples if he follows his instructions. Ryuuk agrees-

-Doing as he is told, Ryuuk eats all of L's toilet paper. Then he goes outside and gets a dinosaur costume on. Ryuzaki timidly opens the door a crack-

_L: _I seem to be out of toilet paper. Almost as if someone devoured it. Do you perhaps have a piece of paper that could be used for this purpose?

_Light: _-smirks- Suuuuure… -Light hands L a piece of the Death Note-

_L: _Thank you. –closes the door-

-A few seconds later Ryuzaki screams in terror-

_Random person walking by: _-wonders out loud- Why is someone screaming in the bathroom? I wonder if something is going wrong.

-_Light begins to rofl-_

**Scenario: What if someone had a plumber that looked like L?**

-L is walking down the street-

_Lady: _-rushes out of the house that L is walking past, and grabs L's arm- IM SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE! ! ! ! !

_L: _…?...

_Lady: _You know, you are an hour late!

_L: _I was unaware that I was supposed to co—

_Lady: _Never mind that! Come inside! Hurry!

_L: _…o…kay? –gets dragged along by the fat woman into her house-

_Lady: _-points at toilet- It's clogged.

_L: _…Okay?

_Lady: _Fix it.

_L: _Um…?

_Lady: _-prods- Well, what are you waiting for? ? ? Fix it!

_L: _…You dragged me into your house because you wanted me to plunge your toilet. Am I correct in this assumption?

_Lady: _Yes.

_L: _PLUNGE YOUR OWN TOILET WOMAN!

-leaves-

**Scenario: What if L and Light are lying in bed and Light thinks L is asleep and gets into an argument with Ryuuk? (This story is told from L's perspective, so you don't know what Ryuuk is saying)**

_Light: _L? –whispers, making sure L is asleep-

-L wakes up because of this, but pretends to still be asleep-

_Light: _-starts talking to Ryuuk- We need to have a little chat. First of all, you always eat all my apples.

_L: _-thinks to self- _When have I _ever _eaten an apple?_

_Light: _Secondly, when I wake up in the mornings, you freak me out with your hideous FACE!

-L frowns at this remark-

_Light: _You just gotta stop doing that!

_L: _-thinking- _Doing what, my FACE?_

_Light: _Also, where's that porn magazine that I asked you to get?

_L: _-thinking- _when did _that _happen? ?_

_Light: _You're so clumsy! You make a mess of everything!

_L: _-wonders to himself- _I…make a mess of everything?_

_Light: _And stop staring at Misa! You can't eat her!

_L: _-eyes widen-

_Light:_ I _know _she looks tasty! I don't CARE if you have a recipe planned out for her!

_L: _-mind whimper, curls up a bit more-

_Light: _Why can't you do ANYTHING right?

_L: _-mutters, dejected- I try my best. I have everyone relying on me to rid the world of Kira, and then there's the stress of him wanting me dead! I almost never get any sleep, but when I try to, all you do is yell at me and scold me for things I didn't even do! But I try! I really do! I'm sorry if you think I'm so incompetent and irritating!

-Light pauses and then does a cheesy act at being asleep and pretends to snore really loudly-

:D The last one I found very funny. Well, I hope you enjoyed it. Please review! It makes us so happy! And it gives us encouragement! Even if it's a flame! :D


	7. Kiragermophobia

Hey dudes! :D It's us again! Sakonon and I are thinking about acting some of these things out and posting it on youtube labeled "Us Acting Stupid." What do you think? :D It would be even cooler if I figured out how to post something on youtube by using a video camera rather than a webcam. Do I need to use a firewire or something? Well, I don't see how two girls (ages 15 and 13) are going to play roles as 17 and 25 year old men, but oh well XD! We'll find a way. Anyway, I am aware that I am rambling. Yes, I often ramble. I find it fun. ^ ^ I've been attempting to stay up for two nights in a row and then try to see how many ideas I can get in that amount of time, but I keep falling asleep at like midnight on the second night! D: I should just get a bunch of sugar. –ramble ramble ramble- Thanks for everyone who reads this story and reviews! It happifies us! Okay. This is loooong. So, enjoy the story! ^ ^ –Ratt Kazamata

**Scenario: What if Light, L, and Misa went to a water park? **(This story is based off of what happened to my friend and I two days ago when we went down a long water slide at a water park in a double inner tube. I was in the position that L is in in the story. Lol in fact its almost exactly what happened, minus the chain and events resulting from the chain on the way down)

-Light and L, who are connected with a chain, have no choice but to go down the water slide together in a double innertube built for two-

_L: _You sit in the front.

_Light: _No, you're light. Therefore you have to sit in the front.

_L: _Actually, I was under the impression that _you _are Light.

_Light: _-.- you know what I mean.

_L: _Very well.

_Misa: I _want to go down with Light! Ryuzaki! ! ! ! ! Pleaseeeee? –whines-

_L: _Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to. I don't have the key.

_Misa: _Fine…I'll go right after you though.

_-the water slide is very long and windey-_

-Misa is standing at the top of the stairs. She is in line right after L and Light-

-the lifeguard pushes the double innertube that L and Light are in-

-they start to go down the water slide-

_L: _Imagine if we flipped over. (My exact words. L jinxed it too!)

-inner tube flips over and L and Light go flying out, still far away from the bottom of the slide-

-both start sliding down the slide in awkward positions-

_L: _Help! Help! Help!

-Misa sees what happened-

_Misa: _OMG LIGHT I'LL SAVE YOU! ! ! ! ! –belly flops onto the slide and starts sliding down it, head first-

-Misa grabs the chain and hooks it to a nail or something that is sticking out of the slide-

-L and Light are now stuck due to Misa hooking the chain to the nail-

_L&Light: _-dangles-

**Scenario: What if L was very stressed and a fly flew in the room?**

_L:_ -stressing at computer, muttering to self- …

_-fly flies into room-_

_L: _o_o! –swats at fly-

-The investigation team just stares at him and he tries to hit the fly-

_L: _-jumps up and down trying to hit it- Stupid fly! I bet you are working with Kira!

_Team: _…?

_L: _GRRRR! ! ! ! ! ! That fly is Kira!

_Matsuda: _Uh…I don't think—

_L: _-turns to Matsuda- …Matsuda! I bet YOU are Kira!

_Matsuda: _What?

_L: _Or maybe its Soichiro! Or Light! Or Aizawa! Or Mogi!

_S: _Are…you okay, Ryuzaki?

_L: _Do you THINK I'm okay? I'm surrounded by Kira!

_Light: _…

_L: _GAH! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Stupid FLY! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! –trying to swat it-

-30 minutes later-

_L: _Stupid…fly! Get back here! –totally failing at catching the fly-

_S: _-walks into room-

-fly lands next to him-

_S: _-blinks, looks at fly blankly. Swats fly and kills it, still having a blank look on his face-

_L: _-gaping- You…but…D: _I _wanted to be the one to catch Kira! ! ! ! ! D:

_S: _. . .

**Scenario: What if, late at night, Matsuda accidentally breaks something?**

-L hears a smash and assumes it is a burglar-

-he takes out his axe and creeps over to the origin of the noise-

_-L sees a shadowy figure and raises the axe above his head-_

_L: _-L shouts a very cheesy quote in a very bad accent- SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!

_Matsuda: _NO! Ryuzaki! IT'S ME! MATSUDA! DON'T KILL ME!

_L: _-lowers axe- Oh, hi Matsuda. I thought you were a burglar. –walks away-

**Scenario: What if L has a file about the time that he stole a hippopotamus from the zoo and someone found the file?**

_S: _You…stole a hippo from a zoo, Ryuzaki?

_L: _…how did you hear about that?

_S: _There is a file right here.

_L: _… ._.

_S: _Why did you steal a hippopotamus from the zoo…?

_L: _The one at the store was broken! O

**Scenario: What if L consumes helium from a helium balloon?**

**-**L is walking around-

_Random girl: _Hey mister, guess what!

_L: _?

_Random girl: _-shoves helium balloon in L's mouth- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

_L: _…

-the girl walks away-

-L goes back to hq-

-the lock is voice activated and he tries to say the password but finds out that his voice is ultra-squeeky-

_L: _great…

-L takes out his phone and phones Soichiro-

_L: _Yagami-san! It's me, Ryuzaki! Let me into the task force building!

_S: _Um…I can't understand a word you are saying, little girl. You have the wrong number. –hangs up-

_L: _-.- -phones Light- Light! It's me, Ryuzaki! Please let me in!

_Light: _Misa! I told you to stop doing that! –hangs up-

_L: _. . . surely Watari will help me… -phones Watari- Watari! Please let me inside!

_-_Watari just hangs up-

_L: _-_- Matsuda… -phones Matsuda- Matsuda! This is Ryuzaki!

_Matsuda: _Ryuzaki? Why are you chipmunked?

_L: _…long story. Could you let me in?

_Matsuda: _Sure.

**Scenario: What if L has Kiragermophobia?**

-L and Light are sitting at a dinner table-

-Light sneezes-

_L: _-screams- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! –flips the table over-

-everyone stares at him-

_L: _-shrugs- Kira germs.

Well, hope you enjoyed! PLEASE review? –puppy dog face- ^ ^ Woot, bye guys!


	8. TRex In The Toilet

Reading back on this chapter, I have come to an ultimate conclusion…this chapter absolutely SUCKS. It's not very funny and its kinda stupid. These ones were made probably at the time that we were having a really hard time coming up with ideas. Meh oh well –w-. Flames are fine. But anyway, enjoy anyway! –Ratt Kazamata & Sakonon

**Scenario: What if L somehow replaced the president's calculator with a "modified" one?**

-L gets a bigger paycheck- (wow that one really sucked o_O)

**Scenario: What if L goes to a Dallas Cowboy's game?**

_L: _-just sitting there in the front row-

-the cowgirl cheerleaders are cheerleading-

_Cowgirls: _We are going to give a lucky few the opportunity to come up here and dance with us! :D You, sir! –points at L- come on up!

_L: _…uh…

_-girl drags him out of the bleachers-_

_L: _hey—

_Cowgirls: _-start dancing in sync and L is totally out of sync, dancing horribly-

**Scenario: What if L has the Death Note in his backpack?**

-There is a hole in the backpack-

-The Death Note falls out of the backpack-

-Random 7 year old girl picks it up-

-random people start dying-

-L gets a phone call-

_L: _Yes?

_President: _L! People are dying again! I thought you said that Kira was dead and that the Death Note was safely in your possession?

_L: _Well…um…_about _that…

**Scenario: What if Light installs a Jurassic Park-themed coo coo clock secretly right next to L's desk that goes off every ten minutes?**

_L: _-sitting there working-

-random ultra-loud real-sounding dinosaur noise-

_L: _-jumps- AHHHHHH! ! ! ! !

-looks around, freaked out, but then calms down and gets back to work-

_-ten minutes later-_

-coo coo clock sounds again-

_L: _AHHHHHH! ! ! ! ! ! –jumps out the window to "safety"-

**Scenario: What if L, the Misa fanboy that he is, stole something from Misa's room?**

_Light: _Hey Ryuzaki, have you found anything else out?

_L: _No, it seems we're at a dead end…

_Light: _-pauses for a second- …are…you wearing…a bra?

_L: __ No, why do you ask?

_Light: _-lifts Ryuzaki's shirt- …you ARE!

_L: _._. –scratches head- ooh, I wonder how that got there! –nervous laughter-

_Light: _OMFG that's MISA'S bra! ! ! ! ! ! !

_L: _Oh wow, that's…so odd!

_Light: _Ryuzaki! You stole that bra from Misa's room, didn't you?

_L: _heh…heh? o-o

**Scenario: What if L dies at an odd time?**

_L: _-waving to a little girl- -randomly dies-

_Little girl: _-screams-

Yeah…that sucked…the next chapter will be better…hopefully…Anyone have any ideas? –hopeful smile- Or know how to rap? 


	9. Truth Or Dare

…Do any of you ever get those little random voices in your head after not sleeping for a long time? Well, I do. And that's how some of these crazy insane ideas that you are about to read came to be…That might have sounded really psychopathic. But I don't care. However…some of the ideas you are about to read also came from awesome people like Sakonon, LLives, and LyraLFan! :D If anyone else helped with an idea, but I didn't mention your name, please don't be offended…I haven't slept in almost two days! ^ ^ My mind is all weird at the moment. Ooh yeah! I just remembered. LLives deserves another thanks because she saved our lives by coming up with a rap! :D I'm always in a thankful mood when I'm tired. –w- Well I hope you enjoy this chapter! Remember to review! :D

**Scenario: What if, due to lack of ideas and request, Ratt writes something else insanely ridiculous?**

Matsuda runs into hq one morning, very excited (I really like Matsuda. ^ ^ Can't you tell? He's so fun lol). He exclaims, "guys, guess what!"

Everyone looks at him and asks, "what?"

"I've decided that from now on I'm gonna dot my 'i's with an open circle rather than a dot! :DDDD" Everyone stares at him.

Suddenly, L shouts, "Everyone! There is a dragon shooting a fireball at our hq! I'm 98% positive it is on Kira's side! We must get out of here!" L grabs his cake and runs.

Watari gains the magical superpower of flight (I also really like Watari. Can't you tell?)!

They all escape except for Aizawa. The entire building falls on top of him (I don't like Aizawa, can't you tell?). The giant dragon started swooping at them. Suddenly a giant bug attacks Light and Light screams like a girl (I don't like Light for killing L, can't you tell?).

L whacks the dragon with a dictionary and it explodes. Light is playing hopscotch with a jumprope. Suddenly it starts raining Death Notes and within a day, everyone is dead.

**Scenario: What if everyone in the Kira Task Force plays truth or dare one night except for Ryuzaki, who has no idea what is going on?**

_Misa: _Okay…we're playing truth or dare…but we all have to be dared to do something to Ryuzaki and freak him out, k?

_Light: _…alright, sounds fun.

_Task Force People: _…uh…alright, as long as it's not something illegal.

_Misa: _-mischievous smile-

_-everyone receives their dare…now to initiate them all-_

_Light: _-goes up to Ryuzaki and steals his cake-

_L: _-eyes widen- YOU FREAK! WHAT'S YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM? –kicks Light in the face, sending him flying backwards-

_Light: _e_e not going to be doing THAT again any time soon…ow… -slowly walks away-

_Matsuda: _-goes up to Ryuzaki, and starts rapping while trying to do "gangsta" moves- Yo Yo dis is Matsuda,and I feel very phat! My uncle Jerry owns a pretty kitty cat! People seem to think I'm stupid! But at least I don't need a cupid (Hideki!) Sayu thinks I'm old D: DAMN! That girl is cold... L, you're really freakin' smart! And I think your Light's sweetheart...Ha, and Misa thinks you're an old fart! But she thinks that of me too... I'm gonna...Play the kazoo. L...I bid you adieu! Go smell Misa's shampoo...

_L: _. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . –thinks to self- _what the heck is up with everyone today?_

-in the other room-

_Misa: _Nooo! ! ! ! ! Don't make me do that! Pleaseeeeee! ! ! no! please!

_Light: _Misa, if you do it, I'll love you.

_Misa: _:D Okay! ^ ^

-Misa goes up to Ryuzaki in the sluttiest outfit she could find-

-Misa gives L a hug and a kiss-

_Misa: _I loooove you… -slow and sexy voice-

_L: _o/o o\\o

-next it is Soichiro's turn-

_S: _-goes right up to L and does a belly dance-

_L: _-disturbed-

-Aizawa goes up to L and randomly starts screaming in his face-

_L: _omfg what is going _ON! _–thinking to self-

-Next is Mogi's turn-

_Mogi: _-goes up to Ryuzaki and starts singing- (Author's note: I HAD TO LOOK THESE LYRICS UP! ! ! ! ! for those of you wondering, NO, I do NOT know this song off the top of my head o_o;;;) Hi Barbie! Hi Ken! Do you wanna go for a ride? Sure, Ken! Jump in! I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world! Life if plastic, it's fantastic! You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere…Imagination, life is your creation! Come on Barbie lets go Barbie! I'm a Barbie gir—

_-Mogi gets cut off by a swift karate chop at a pressure point by Ryuzaki- _

_-Mogi collapses-_

_L: _-shaking, mentally scarred for life-

-Ukita goes up to L with a rolled up newspaper-

_Ukita: _RYUZAKI! YOU ARE COVERED IN BUGS!

_L: _huh?

_Ukita: _-starts whacking L numerous times with the newspaper-

_L: _AAAH! HEY! –snatches newspaper out of Ukita's hand and starts whacking Ukita with it-

_Ukita: _AK! –runs away-

_L: _-mutters to himself- I swear…the entire Task Force is acting crazy…I bet this is Kira's doing…-mumbles- at least Watari and I are safe from it, because Kira doesn't know our names. –calls- Watari! Would you get me a pie?

_W: _-calls back- sure thing!

-Watari returns with pie-

_L: _thank you Watar—

_W: _-smashes cake in L's face-

_L: _…somebody…is going…to be MURDERED tonight…

(Crap! Now I have that stupid Barbie song stuck in my head! DDDDD:]

**Scenario: What if L starts making all sorts of random deductions?**

_L: _Light-kun, I believe that you are Kira.

_Light: _Ugh…not THIS again…

_L: _I have deducted that Kira has your exact hair colour.

_Light: _…eh?

_L: _That's right. Also, Kira wears the type of shoes that you often wear.

_Light: _how could you have _possibly _deducted that?

_L: _Keep in mind, I'm L.

_Light: _…so…L…you are telling me that you are seriously accusing me of being Kira…because of my _SHOES_?

_L: _Precisely. But that's not the only proof.

_Light: _…carry on, then.

_L: _I saw you eating a carrot yesterday.

_Light: _Okay? What about it?

_L: _KIRA LOVES CARROTS! –Stares, wide-eyed-

_Light: _. . .

_L: _Also, I saw you talking to a little girl yesterday. Kira likes the innocent. So he will talk to the innocent.

_Light: _First of all, normal people don't exactly make a habit of talking to CRIMINALS. Second of all, THAT WAS MY SISTER! ! ! ! ! ! ! Can I not at least TALK TO MY SISTER without getting accused of being a mass murderer?

_L: _That is correct. Also…go ahead and spell your last name backwards.

-Light Yagami pauses for a moment, doing so in his head- (lol he never knew what it spelled! XD)

_Light: _-scowls, knocks Ryuzaki's cake onto the floor-

_L: _SEE! SEE! SEE! You ARE Kira! 0-0

**Scenario: What if L, Light, and Misa go rollerblading?**

-L and Light are not attached with a chain at this point-

-L trips Light and he falls on his face-

-Misa freaks out-

-All of a sudden, over 100 random joggers come jogging through and begin to trample Light as they stampede-

_Misa: _LIGHT!

-Misa runs into the stampede to try to help Light but her makeup ends up getting ruined so she freaks out even more and, as a result of all the chaos, she ends up poking Light's eyes-

_L: _-watching from a safe distance away with an amused smirk on his face-

**Scenario: What if L decides to prank-call Light but accidentally phones the President of the United States of America without realizing it?**

_L: _-on phone- Hello, this is L. I am just phoning to tell you that I think you are Kira. In fact, I KNOW that you are Kira.

_President: _what the—?

_L: _No need to even try to deny it. I also know that your girlfriends are also Kiras.

_President: _I don't have girlfriends, I'm married!

_L: _You wish, you player!

_President: _-horribly offended- Excuse me?

_L: _Once again, no need to deny it. Also, I'm sending the police to your house to apprehend you, mister "I'm a Gay!"

_President: _I—I have no idea what you are talking about! –furious- First of all, I am NOT Kira. Second of all, IM MARRIED! Third of all, you can't just arrest me, David Hope, the president of the United States of America, under some crazy assumption that I am Kira! Which I am NOT!

_L: _…Mr. President?

_President: _WHAT?

_L: _…crap… -hangs up quickly-

Well, I hope you enjoyed that! Please review! :D We would really appreciate it! Which ones are your favourite ones? –Ratt Kazamata


	10. Let's Play Twenty Questions

Everyone! This is really short! We were bored with a twenty questions ball.  .z. Enjoy the short thingymabobber. 

**Scenario: What if L gets bored with a twenty questions ball?**

_L: _-thinks to self- _Hmm…I am going to take this twenty questions __orb__ (only Sakonon will understand why "orb" is underlined) and say that I am thinking of a vegetable and I will answer questions as if I was talking about myself and I will see what type of vegetable I am._

(this is based off of the results of a real twenty questions ball)

-L starts answering-

Is it a vegetable? Yes

Does it have leaves? _L: _No I don't have leaves. –saying this out loud-

Does it come in many varieties? _L: _Well, there's Near and Mello and Matt…but theres only one me…so…sometimes?

Is it hard? _L: _THAT could be read the wrong way. Am I hard? Sometimes…?

Does it come in different colours? _L: _Um…no?

Do you hold it when you use it? _L: _Preferably not.

Is it straight? _L: _There are many different way to interpret that question…but I have a slouch so I will say that no, I am not straight.

Is it usually colourful? _L: _Didn't I just answer this? And no.

Is it usually sliced or carved? _L: _Hopefully not.

Is it smaller than a golf ball? _L: _No.

Are there many different sorts of this? _L: _I could have sworn I just answered this. No.

Is it heavier than a pound of butter? _L: _Yes.

Does it have a hard outer shell? _L: _Sometimes?

Does it have seeds? _L: _No.  
Can you enjoy it? _L: _uh…akward…sometimes?

Is it smooth? _L: _Um…unknown?

Is it round? _L: _No.

Is it brown? _L: _No.

Does it roll? _L: _Sometimes?

Can you peel it? _L: _If you wanna be gross about it, yes. But no.

Cactus?

Can it fit in an envelope? _L: _I'm not THAT small.

Does it contain a lot of water? _L: _Unknown.

Is it heavy? _L: _-grabs stomach- im not THAT fat. Heavy in comparison to what? Sometimes.

Is it smaller than a loaf of bread? _L: _No.

Does it weigh more than a duck? _L: _Yes.

-Ball guesses- It's a hyena?

-L stares at ball-

_L: -throws ball on ground and shouts at- THAT IS NOT A VEGETABLE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! D_


	11. FEAR

Okay…currently Sakonon and I have been freaking out about the video game F.E.A.R. That video game is freaking SCARY! Alma is such a creepy little girl! If you don't know what I mean, just go to the following link! youtube. com/watch?v=ivGy1a7vjF0&feature=related (or, if that link doesn't show up or something, look up the video titled "F.E.A.R" by artefinaldesign. Or, maybe its better if you don't look it up! We are aware that some people will read this and be all like "you wimps, that game isn't scary at all!" WELL WE DON'T CARE! WE ARE FREAKED! O_O Anyway, that's how we got the idea for the first story. I've pretty much hit blank pages in my notebook. Meaning that once I publish this chapter, I will officially be all out of ideas to type up and we'll have to create a whole bunch more of them. ^ ^ Which isn't too bad. Well, actually, we have a few really funny ideas already thought up but I'm not gonna post those until I talk it over fully with Sakonon. But suggestions would be nice! Anyway, enjoy!

**Scenario: What if someone turned on the video game F.E.A.R on the tv and turned on a feature that let you watch all the movie parts in the game and it kept replaying the movie parts over and over?**

_-L is sitting on the couch, room totally dark except for the tv, late at night, wide eyes glued to the screen, shaking, too afraid to get up and walk across the floor to turn it off- (_ouch, run-on! _)

-Light walks in and sits next to him-

_Light: _Why are you shaking?

_L: _It's cold in here.

_Light: _It's 80 degrees.

_L: _That's odd.

-Light looks at the screen-

_Light: _Whoa, that's a creepy little girl!

_L: _-nods quickly- Yes. Very.

-two minutes later-

-Light gets freaked out and sits in L's position, afraid the girl is gonna crawl out from under the couch and kill him- -Light starts shaking-

-an hour later, Misa walks in)

_Misa: _Hey guys! ^ ^ What's u— why are you two shaking?

_Light: _It's…cold in here.

_Misa: _What are you talking about? It's like, super hot! Like, 80 or something!

_L: _We have fevers.

_Misa: _How do you BOTH have fevers?

_L: _-raises arm, showing chain-

_Misa: _D: You got my Light-kun sick? !

_L: _-points at Light- Actually, he got me sick.

_Light: _No, you got _ME _sick!

_L: _I could have sworn it was the other way around…

_Alma: _-screams a loud bloodcurdling scream as creepy images of bloody people and creepy people and death fill the screen-

-Misa, Light, and L freak out and Misa jumps onto the couch-

_Misa: _What was that freaky little girl? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ?

_L: _-eyes wide, staring at the screen- That was Alma...

_Light: _Um…Misa…would you mind turning off the tv? –also afraid that Alma will randomly crawl out from under the couch and eat them (even though Alma is in no way cannibalistic [just a heads-up for people who have never played the game])-

_Misa: _Uh…no thanks, Light. Not this time. I'm sorry. _

-L, Misa, and Light all sit there in L's way of sitting, shaking, all night, staring at the screen as the movie parts replay over and over-

-in the morning the Kira Investigator Task Force members walk in and find the three of them in said positions on the couch, staring at Alma killing people and doing her mind tricks-

_S: _Why are you guys shaking?

_Misa: _We…have fevers.

_Aizawa: _All of you?

_Light: _Yes.

_Aizawa: _How?

_L: _They caught my illness.

-Matsuda, with a blank look on his face, turns off the tv-

-Misa jumps up and gives Matsuda a hug and a kiss-

_Misa: _Thank you so much, Matsui! You saved us!

_Light: _-begins to stand up- You did something right for once, Matsuda. Great job. –gives a pat on the back-

_L: _-beginning to walk out of the room- Yes. Thank you very much for the assistance. We very much appreciate it.

_Matsuda: _-says to himself- Wow, I should turn off the tv more often! o.o

_-three days later-_

-the entire team is watching the championship basketball game- -everyone is crowded around the tv-

_There are twenty seconds left! 11! 9! 7! Oh my god the game is tied! 4 seconds! It's still tied! And the dude starts to throw the basketball at the hoop! Does it go in? !_

_Matsuda: _:D ^_^ -turns off tv with a big, happy smile on his face just as the dude is shooting the basket, with 4 seconds left in the tied game-

_Matsuda: _-thinks he did something right-

_All: _-shouts- Nooooo! ! ! ! !

_L: _…Matsuda you idiot…

**Scenario: What if L and Light have a who-can-stay-up-the-longest contest?**

What if L loses? o_O You tell me!

**Scenario: What if L tries to find out if Light is Kira in the most obvious way possible?**

_L: _-eating a donut- Kira?

_Light: _Yes?

_L: _HA! I KNEW IT!

_Light: _DAMMIT!

Yes, that was short. Sorry! Though I hope you liked the F.E.A.R one. We found it funny. Please review! If you don't, we'll send Alma after you. :0 Bye! ^ ^


	12. Misa, We're Gonna Cut Off Your Tongue

Hey! Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Sakonon had to go to her grandmother's house for a few days so I had no one to bounce ideas off of. While also…I've been working double-time on solving this one kidnapping case thingy that is actually not going so well…and also I've been rollerblading around the city all day lately (in 110 F weather o.e) stocking up on sugary candy (! :D) because in a few weeks two of my best friends and I are going to have a who-can-stay-up-the-longest contest. My goal is three days. But anyway, here's the story! :D

**Scenario: What if L watched Sweeny Todd and questioned everything about it? **(I hate that movie o.o)

_L: _Why are the people bleeding so much? It must be Kira! Why do they SING as they are being KILLED? Kira can possess people before they die, so it MUST be KIRA!

_Light: _Ryuzaki…I think you should see a doctor about an obsessi—

_L: _Obsession? ! I don't have an obsession!

_Light: _…whatever you say…

**Scenario: What if L had a Death Eraser and Light killed Misa?**

_L: _-curious- -erases Misa's name-

_Misa: _-pops up, freaks out- —

(Yes, if you look closely, that actually does say something)

_L: _-wide eyed, but otherwise blank expression- -still staring at her, he writes her name down again-

_-Misa dies-_

_L: _-erases name again-

_-Misa pops up again-_

_Misa: _

_-Misa dies again-_

-L continues doing this over and over again until Light sees him and takes away the Death Note-

_L: _Awww…party pooper!

**Scenario: What if L went bowling?**

-L's finger got stuck in the ball and Light gets the chain stuck in the ball return and they all fall down-

**Scenario: What if L wanted a dog and starts treating Light like one?**

_L: _Light, I think we should get a dog.

_Light: _No way, I hate dogs, and I'm allergic.

_L: _Meh.

-a few hours later-

_L: _Hey Light, go get this off the printer for me.

_Light: _Alright. –does so-

_L: _Good boy! =] –pets Light on the head-

_Light: _uhm…

_L: _^ ^ would Lighty like a widdle treat? Treats? :D

_Light: _…are you alright, Ryuzaki?

_L: _^_^ I'm perfectly fine! Awww you seem so smart! –gives another pat on the head-

_Light: _…stop treating me like a dog, Ryuzaki.

_L: _Kira hates dogs! Percentage up!

_Light: _-sigh-

**Scenario: What if L had a severe form of A.D.D? **(Lol I have A.D.D)

_L: _Okay, so it is known that Kira…ooh…whoa…this reminds me of this one time that…I had a goldfish…and it died…and everyone thought that I killed it but I really didn't!

_All: _…

_L: _So, anyway, the plan is…oh, look! It's raining!

_-later in the investigation-_

-L is in the helicopter and Higuchi is being arrested-

_L: _-thinks- Hmmm it seems like Light is writing something down…Maybe he is writing down— oooh yeah, that Shinigami is really big… o.o

-later-

-L is walking through the streets-

_L: _-sees a dime- OOH SHINY!

-picks up-

-later-

_Light: _Why are you handcuffing me to you? ?

_L: _Because these handcuffs are shiny and I like shiny objects. ^ ^

**Scenario: What if Matsuda shaved L's head?**

_L: _Watari! Get out the sniper rifle!

-Watari comes out of the closet carrying a sniper rifle- (lol Watari comes out of the closet)

-Watari points it at Matsuda's head-

_W: _Give me your hair.

**Scenario: What if L gets a computer virus?**

-all sorts of porn pops up onto the computer-

_S: _Ryuzaki, I didn't know you looked at stuff like that.

_L: _o.o it's spam! I swear!

_Light: _Riiiight…

_L: _D: I'm serious!

**Scenario: What if L is so tired that he starts hearing voices? **(Okay! Here is something I must know! Whenever I get really tired I start hearing voices. Is this normal? ? Does it not happen to anyone else? ? ? ? ?)

_L: _-tired, hears voices, and mutters them out loud, half-asleep- Take the chipmunk out of the blender…

_Matsuda: _Eh?

_L: _Oh, nothing. Disregard me.

_S: _…

_Aizawa: _-odd look-

_L: _-sighs- Why are you shooting the narwhal?

_Light: _Are you bonkers?

_L: _How English. No. Sorry.

_S: _…

_L: _Hmmm…fright and bright…

-L continues working-

_L: _-mumbles again- That's okay Jimmy…I remember when _I _forgot my abc's…they just BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF ME!

_Light: _._.

_S: _Hey, Ryuzaki…maybe…you should go to sleep…you know, get some rest…

_L: _…-looks at him- I will not climb the tree trunk. –walks away-

**Scenario: What if Misa gets her tongue stuck on a frozen pole after L tells her not to lick it?**

_Misa: _Ryuzaki! Help! I got my tongue stuck on this pole!

_L: _I told you not to lick it. It's frozen.

_Misa: _I know but what do I do? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ?

_L:_ There's nothing you _can _do, except for cut your tongue off. –turns away and smirks-

_Misa: _WHAAAAAT? ! ?

_L: _It's true. I'll have to go get the knife.

_Misa: _No! No! No! Liiiiiiight! Lighttt! Lllllight! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Help me! Ryuzaki is going to cut off my tongue! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! T_T

_Light: _That would be your fault.

_L: _-takes a knife to Misa's tongue-

_Misa: _-screaming-

_L: _-stops, laughs- Just kidding. ^ ^

Well, that's it for now. I hope I can get the next chapter posted soon! :D Bye! Remember to review!


	13. Youtube Video!

Sakonon and I made the youtube video! You aren't going to be able to find it without my youtube username.

Okay, first, just go to youtube and type in my username ("Ratt44488855"). Then you'll see the videos I made, and scroll down until you see a video called "Us Being Stupid—L Parody" with a rather unattractive picture on the front. It's only one part of the video…I'm going to upload part two shortly. Please check it out! :D


	14. A Picnic

Hola peoples! Sorry we haven't updated in a few days. I've been on a Blood+ rampage and have used Netflix to get every episode of it on the Xboxlive and I've been watching every episode in the series even though I've already seen every single episode. Mwahahahahaha I love Haji. And Moses. ^ ^ Hang on, I would like to know one thing…am I the only person who stopped watching Death Note after L died? (well, I skipped to the end to see Light die; and I know everything about L's successors because of Fanfics and "Death Note: How to Read" and a few other sources, but other than that yeah..) so am I the only one? o.o Well anyway, I hope you guys find this a funny chapter. Sakonon and I found it really funny lol. Well, hope you enjoy!

**Scenario: What if L, Light, and Misa went on a picnic?**

_Misa: _OMG LIGHT! Let's go on a PICNIC!

_L: _…

_Light: _Alright!

_L: _You actually agree with this, Light-kun?

_Light: _Yeah, Ryuzaki! You need to get out more! It's a darling day!

_L: _Darling day…?

_Light: _As in, it's a happy day! :D

_L: _A…happy day?

_Light: _It's all marvelous, full of sunshine! ! ! ! ! –big twinkle eyes- :D

_L: _…okay then…but I really don't think that—

_Misa: _-grabs him by the arm- Let's GO Ryuzaki!

_L: _-.- fine…

-all get picnic stuff and go to a park-

-sits down on blanket-

_15 Random Little Kids: _-screaming really loud and obnoxiously at nothing in particular as they chase each other around-

_L, Light, and Misa: _-shuddering at the noise-

_L: _Too…loud… o_e

_Misa: _-starts screaming really loudly-

_L: _=_= Why are you screaming? …

_Misa: _ANTS! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! D: THEY'RE BITING MISA MISA'S TOES!

_Light: _AHHH YOU'RE RIGHT! ANTS! ! ! ! ! !

-Misa and Light start jumping up and down freaking out about ants-

_L: _Ants are one thousand times smaller than you…I see not why you have such large concern for your safety.

-ants start to crawl up Light's pant leg-

_Light: _AHHH! ! ! ! ! They're crawling in my pants!

_L: _-resists the urge to laugh- -thinks to self- _That's what she said, heh._

-kids are still screaming randomly-

_-one of the parents walks up to Kira and Misa and L-_

_Parent: _You are making too much noise! Quiet down!

_L: _…

_Light: _-makes the Aizawa face- (The Aizawa Face [definition]: The Aizawa face can be found on page 102 of the 4th volume of the manga. It is the face that Aizawa makes after he asks Matsuda "so when exactly does Ryuzaki sleep?" Matsuda replies, "The other day I saw him sleeping in his chair while sitting like that." Then, Aizawa responds with "the Aizawa Face"…which basically looks like he's saying "wtf are you serious?")

-L is untouched by the ants-

_L: _Alright, guys. How about we move places?

_Misa: _Good plan!

-L and Misa and Light go under a tree-

-continues to eat-

_Misa: _AWWWW look! :D

_Light: _?

_L: _Hm?

_Misa: _Look! It's a cute little squirrel!

_Light: _…I wouldn't go near that squirrel…

_Misa: _Awww come here! I'm sure it's just hungry!

-squirrel goes to Misa-

_L: _The fact that that squirrel came to you, Misa…there is a 97% chance that that is a rabid squirrel.

_Misa: _Aww no way! It's such a _cute _squirrel!

-Squirrel foams at the mouth and latches on to L's face-

_L: _Ahhh! –jumps up and starts running-

-Kira and Misa follow him-

-L, the squirrel blocking his eyesight, accidentally runs onto private property-

_-motion sensor alarms pick up the movement and alarms start going off really loudly-_

-the squirrel runs away- (smart squirrel)

-old dude comes out of a house with a rifle and starts shooting at the trio-

_Old Dude: _You no good kids get off mah propert-tay! Don't yall know who I am? ! I am Red-Neck Sam (inside joke) and NO ONE messes with mah lawn!

_L: _-squeezes eyes shut, exasperated- -thinks to self- _What else can go wrong? ? ? And now there are rednecks in Japan! ! ! T_T_

_Light: _OMG a Redneck.

-Red-Neck Sam continues firing his gun at them-

-all scream-

-Light opens up his suit to reveal that they are not armed-

-Red-Neck Sam shoots a hole through Light's suit-

_Light: _O_O

-all of them run, but Red-Neck Sam keeps chasing them-

-they run through the forest-

-Misa trips and falls into a lake-

-Light stops and tries to pull her out but ends up being pulled in, and L falls in also due to the chain-

-Because they are all under the water, Red-Neck Sam passes them and doesn't see them-

-a duck (1 foot tall, weighing 6 pounds) flies onto the water and starts biting them-

-they jump out of the water and run away-

_To this day, Misa is afraid of ants, L is afraid of squirrels, and Light is afraid of suits. All have a fear of ducks. And Japanese Rednecks._

**Scenario: What if, rather than his name being L, L's name is P? **(You should read these out loud to see how they sound…also thank you for everyone who helped come up with these: Sakonon, Tina, GAlynn)

"There is going to be an interview with P on Kira!"

"Greetings, to all of you at the ICPO. I am P."

"P is justice."

"And so, class, in the early 21st century, P challenged Kira and Kira challenged P, which led to a great battle between Kira and P."

"How do we know that Kira isn't P? !"

"I am a huge P fan."

"I think that P will win."

"P is on the case!"

"P! P! Where is P? !"

"P is watching us O_O"

"P likes cake."

"Kira's got nothing on P."

"I love P."

**Scenario: What if L worked at a bank for a day and someone tried to rob the bank?**

_Robber: _-aims gun at L's head- Put the money in the bag!

_L: _-calmly-You must specify how much money to put in.

_Robber: _All of it!

_L: _It is clear that you do not know how much money is in this depository. Had you known, you would have specified the precise quantity. Robbing a bank is a perilous undertaking that requires preparation. Yet you are ill-equipped. You know not even the amount of funds you will be receiving if you succeed. You did not prepare properly.  
_Robber: _Just give me the money!

_L: _Hmm…I have a conjecture.

_Robber: _WtF are you TALKING about? ! ? !

_L: _-puts finger to mouth- Hmm…you could be Kira.

_Robber: _Why the HELL do you think THAT? !

_L: _Kira punishes criminals. However…if he acted like a criminal himself, suspicions will be drawn away from him. Then he could potentially fake his death…and therefore flee and persist on being Kira. And that is why you, mister bank robber, are perhaps Kira.

_Robber: _What the…maybe I'll just rob a different bank…um…

_L: _The chances of you being Kira have just raised by 2%.

_Robber: _What? ! Why? ! No!

_L: _Now it was just raised by another 3%.

_Robber: _Stop it!

-as the dude is distracted, the police bust in and handcuff him-

_Robber: _GAH!

_L: _Just kidding. Kira is a lot smarter than you, doofus. You should have shot me while you had the chance. You might have been able to escape. –walks away-

**Scenario: What if L was fat? (Fat like a meatball) **(This is the one that Sakonon is obsessed with)

-when the team first go to meet L-

_Matsuda: _-wondering to himself- _Hmm…I wonder what this L guy looks like. I bet he looks really smart!_

-L's voice in the background-

_L: _What do you mean, 'the door's too small? !'

_W: _-to team- Um…you will have to come meet him outside…he's too large to fit through the door…

-when L first goes to meet Light-

-L sitting on chair-

_L: _I want you to know, _I'm L! _–falls off chair and rolls-

(gah Sakonon can finish this one for me, she's been no help with this –w-)

Okay. Any one else got any ideas? Sorry this was short. Ooh yeah, it was my birthday two days ago, and I got a huge knife, so FEAR ME! :D So…review! Mwahahahaha! Lol. 


	15. Chapter 14 and a Half

Hey! Ratt, here. It's not too late at night, only 12:39 am, but its late enough for it to be weird that I'm writing this. Especially since it doesn't really have much to do with the story. It's just that I realized a few things and I wish to question all of you. It's odd. But…anyway! Here's the odd mini chapter that Sakonon doesn't even know I'm writing! :D and would probably try to kill me if she found out I was writing this instead of the next chapter! ^o^ If you want, answer these:

**1.)** Did you know that Near looks REALLY hot when he's all covered in blood? It's kinda scary, but in my opinion, it's true. What do you guys think? You can see Near all covered in blood in part 4 of the Death Note Relight/Rewrite II. Is that a creepy opinion?

**2.) **How the crap does Mikami write so fast? He just goes "DELETE!" –SWIPE- "DELETE!" –SWIPE- and voila! He just killed two people! o_O Do you think that if Light was able to write like that, he would have beaten Near at the warehouse?

**3.) **Did Mikami pull off his finger? He yanks his finger and all of a sudden there's a pool of blood. Ummmm… o_o

**4.) **Has anyone else noticed that Light's voice sounds really fake? As if he's lying about everything he's saying (which he usually is)? Like, not just the words he says, but the way he says them? Kinda spaced-out like?

**5.) **In the live action movie, has anyone noticed that Light somehow resembles a potato of some sort? Or a carrot?

**6.) **What would you do in Takada's situation when Mello kidnapped her and told her to take off all her clothes? Would you do it?

**7.) **Has anyone ever noticed that L has no eyebrows…?

**8.) **Totally off-topic now but…why do I never see any boys on Fanfiction? ? o_O It's so weird! It's like they are nonexistent. o_o

**9.) **Ever notice how Misa loses and regains her memory like a million times? o.o

**10.) **How long do you think it takes Near to build his epic domino towers?

Okay. I don't have any idea why I wrote this. I think it all started when I decided that Near looked really sexy after the massacre, all covered in blood. Which is rather awkward. But he looks adorable like that…o_O No idea why. 


	16. Yeah, One Of Those Elevator Things

Okay! We poofed for a while. I would love to say that it was totally Sakonon's fault because she wouldn't answer the phone and spent all day every day playing hockey nonstop over and over and over and playing and playing and playing and whatnot (I still can't get a hold of her, so I'm writing this chapter independently cuz its been too long without an update). Which won't affect the actual writing, but it will affect the ideas (I'm gonna be using all you guys' ideas .z.). But it was also my fault a bit. I've been busy with online math and crap and investigating something. …Er…so yeah. –awkward silence- Uh…enjoy, and thank you for not giving up on us!

**Scenario: What if, on the hottest day ever, the city has a black out and the only building with air conditioning is the Kira Task Force HQ?** **(As suggested by Adie-The L Fangirl)**

-city has a blackout-

-very hot out-

_L: _Watari! Arrange for the reserve power to give us some air conditioning in here!

_Watari: _Yes sir.

-somehow word gets out that the secret HQ is the only building in the city with power-

-people start wandering in to the building, the security non-existent cuz the electricity is all being used to give air conditioning-

_Random people: _Whoa…what could this building be used for…?

-everyone is looking around-

_L: _Oh…my…god… -staring at all the people-

_Soichiro: _This isn't good…

_Light: _Crap…

_People: _Whoa! Look! Those two guys are handcuffed together! Who could they be?

_L: _Everyone! Get out!

_People: _You can't do that! It's so hot out there! You can't just throw us back out!

_L: _Yes we can!

_People: _And who are YOU, anyway? !

_L: _I'm…uh… somebody…

-Ryuk gets annoyed and writes everybody's names down-

-thus, the reason the population of Tokyo has declined dramatically-

( Sorry if I killed your idea! D: )

**Scenario: What if L got stuck in an elevator just before he was scheduled to speak to the public that first time about Kira? (Also an idea by Adie-The L Fangirl, slightly revised)**

_W: _-into microphone- Um…hello…L cannot be here at the moment because he is currently…uh…stuck in an elevator…

_L: _-calls from elevator- Watari! I can still do it!

_W: _Uh…okay…but you are definitely not loud enough to be heard by the mic…

_L: _Tell them what I say, then!

_W: _I can hardly hear you myself, but…alright…

_L: _Tell them that its not easy for me to believe that Kira can kill without being there.

_W: _-can hardly hear L, so he is doing his best with translations- Uh…L says that it is easy for him to believe that Kira can kill without being there.

_L: _However, now we have proof of it.

_W: _He says…however, now we have…proof of vets? I don't know if he means the animal doctors, or war veterans…well, I don't know what he means in general…

_L: _Tell them that I have determined that Kira is in Japan, in the Kanto region!

_W: _L says that he has determined that…Kira isn't in Japan…but that he's in the Kanto region…?

_L: _Say that justice will prevail.

_W: _Um…just us will prevail…

_People on the street listening: _Um…what?

**Scenario: What if just before L met the task force for the first time, Beyond broke in, tied L up, hid him in a closet or something, and acted as L for the task force?**

_B: _I am L.

_S: _H-hello, L. I am Soich—

_B: _I will murder you.

_S: _Uh…what? –shrinks back-

_B: _I want to kill you, and have all the blood splatter on the walls, and then rip you apart until your body is unrecognizable.

_Matsuda: _-totally freaked out-

_S: _What are you talking about…? o_o

_B: _-evil laughter- I AM THE WORLD'S GREATEST CRIMINAL! ! ! ! ! I want to catch and kill Kira so that I have no competition for this title.

-task force runs away-

Meep! –hides under a bed- Forgive me! This chapter was so short! D: It's horrible! Especially after not updating for so long! Sakonon had better answer that phone…or I'll go all Beyond Birthday on her and kill her. ^ ^ I can't believe I am so incompetent working on this alone…that's not like me. Oh yeah, and since everyone liked them, I've included a few more questions:

1) How many of you have actually read Death Note Chapter 0, with Taro (or something like that)? How many of you thought he was a girl at first? o-o

2) Ever notice how it seems like Watari is always walking around with his eyes closed?

3) Have you ever noticed how similar Death Note is to Code Geass?

4) In the manga, to Ridner, Near says something like "if you knock down the tower I build out of cards, I will be pissed." However, Near doesn't really show emotion, so how would he act if he got pissed, as he said?

5) When L handed Soichiro a strawberry, why in the world did he put it in his pocket? ! o.O

Lol ;D

Well yeah…this chapter sucked…I'll try to update soon…if I can ever get in touch with Sakonon. Review! 

Ooh, and if you want, check out my other story—The Contest of Epic Insanity, or something like that. I feel bad for Matsuda, though…he gets tased and almost hung and awww D:

~Ratt Kazamata


	17. Need Your Input

Hey, everybody! Ah, doesn't everyone just hate these nothing chapters? Oh well. I need your knowledge before I finish the next chapter, because I need to know who to have in it. I need everyone to tell me their top three Death Note characters and why, and your least 3 favourites and why, and you are not allowed to choose L for any of these. They don't even need to be main characters. This information would assist me in deciding certain things in the next chapter. :D Thanks!

Oh yeah, one more quick question….

You know how Light sometimes goes up into his room and yells at Ryuk and stuff? And once yelled about L? And then was yelling at Misa about the whole second Kira thing and stuff? How in the world do his parents never hear him? !

Well anyway, the next chapter is only one scenario, but it's a really long one. It's taking a long time to write. I'm working on it with my friend, Nix. So far, counting the hours spent in the days in a row she's come over to work on it with me, we've spent about 6 or 7 hours working on it and its half done. Probably. But, it includes a LOT of characters. And I need to figure out which ones to kill off or something, and which ones to be epic. We've already planned a lot out but it would be good to hear your input as well.


	18. Chapter 16 TDI Nix Special

Woot! I have help from a different person for this one! I'm not in any way replacing Sakonon…this person is another one of my bests friends, but she doesn't really like Death Note very much. But we were walking to the store to buy chocolate and peppermints and we started talking about OCs and then perverts and then male pregnancy and then L and Light and a creepy fanfic I read once regarding this topic, and then Total Drama Island, and then weird dares, and then what would happen if all the Death Note characters were put on Total Drama Island.

Nix: It would be funny. I would watch that.

And so, she is helping me write this. ^ ^ This, I hope, will be funny. If you haven't seen Total Drama Island, just know that it is a cartoon game show thing where people are forced to do REALLY WEIRD THINGS, by this crazy show-host named Chris and his assistant, Chef (who is a chef). So yay, it's a Nix TDI Special! :D

**Scenario: What if a lot of the Death Note characters get kidnapped by Chris/Chef and get put on the game show, Total Drama Island?**

_-How they get kidnapped-_

-Misa gets kidnapped…easily. They tell her that they have kidnapped Light (which they actually WILL do, shortly) and she runs up to them and demands his release or she will "kill them." They take her at this point-

-Mikami gets kidnapped…also easily. They inform him, "We are under direct orders from Kira. We have come to retrieve you. He needs you for a special plan." Mikami goes immediately-

-Takada gets kidnapped…easily as well. They just grab her-

-Near gets kidnapped…difficultly. They have to tranquilize his body guards, pick him up, and carry him away-

-Mello gets kidnapped…easily. As soon as he knows that Near is there, he goes, wanting to beat him-

-Soichiro gets kidnapped…normally. They kidnap his daughter, Sayu. He goes and they grab him-

-Sayu was simple to kidnap and did it the same way Mello kidnapped her-

-Matsuda was kidnapped…difficulty. They try to kidnap him, and Matsuda freaks out and accidentally runs out in front of a bus. The kidnappers are afraid to follow him, but he lies down and the bus rolls over him and he is safe. Then he presses the button on his belt and says to Watari that people are coming after him. He thinks that they want him because of the penny collection he was carrying. They grab him and put him into the truck-

-Watari gets kidnapped…difficultly. He snipes someone in the head before they throw a smoke bomb and grab him-

-Mogi gets kidnapped…easily. They just kidnap him-

-Aizawa gets kidnapped…easily. They tell him that if he doesn't come with them, they will kill his wife and child-

-Matt is kidnapped…very easily. They tell him that they have the latest, never-before-played version of Super Mario. He goes quickly-

-Beyond Birthday gets kidnapped…somehow. In a way that the creators cannot think of at the moment-

-L and Light (handcuffed) get kidnapped…very difficultly. Chef sneaks up on them, tries to grab them, but receives a broken jaw by L's kick to the face. They try to tranquilize them, but the tranquilizer is ineffective against L but Light passes out. L calls Watari but Watari has already been kidnapped. They then drag Light away and shove L along. The person shoving L gets a few more broken bones in the face. The person shoving L demands a raise-

_-Now they are all safely kidnapped-_

_-The first challenge is jumping off a cliff into shark infested waters, and the place they must land in is a small safety-net area. Anyone too afraid to jump has to wear a chicken hat (The Chicken Hat of Shame)-_

_Misa: _Uh…Light? –freaked out-

_Light: _You don't have to do it Misa. I'll still love you even if you don't.

_Misa: _^ ^ Okay! :D –doesn't jump-

_Chris: _Okay, you chicken. Get over here. –puts Chicken Hat of Shame (CHS) on Misa's head-

_Misa: _But this totally destroys my look!

_Chris: _-laughs- chicken. –makes chicken noises-

-Rem and Ryuk are watching in amusement-

-Mikami does not jump either-

-Mikami wears the CHS-

-Takada definitely does not jump and must wear the CHS-

_Chris: _Oh come on, you're all chickens! And you say you're from something called _DEATH _Note? ! Why are you all so afraid of something that most likely won't even cause your death? !

_Near: _I'm not afraid to jump.

-Near jumps and lands safely and swims away-

_Mello: _No! I will not chicken out on this! I must beat that twit-head Near! –Takes a running start and leaps- -Just barely makes it into the safety net-

_Ryuk: _Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk.

_Rem: _You have a really weird laugh.

_Ryuk: _Your FACE!

_Soichiro: _Let's get this over with… -takes off jacket and jumps-

_Light: _Wooh, go dad!

-Sayu doesn't jump-

_Matsuda: _Uh…guys? I don't know about this…uh… heheh… -nervous laughter-

_Aizawa: _Go on, Matsuda! You can do it! –snicker-

_Matsuda: _uh…-inches closer to the edge, looks down-

_Chris: _-whispers to Ryuk- I'll pay you in apples if you— -whisper whisper whisper-

_Ryuk: _Ooh! Alright! –perks up-

-Ryuk sneaks up beside Matsuda-

_Ryuk: _Boo!

_Matsuda: _AHH! –gets startled- -falls off cliff- -screams the whole way down- -lands in shark pit- AHHH! ! ! –everyone else ignores/forgets him-

-Watari looks down-

_L: _…? Watari? You're actually thinking of jumping…?

_Watari: _Of course I am! This looks really fun!

_L: _You'll die!

_Watari: _I'll be fine.

_Chris: _-mutters- He's right, probably. In fact, only a few of the interns died testing this.

_L: _-stares at him-

_Chris: _Dude, you gotta stop staring. It's starting to creep me out!

_L: _-takes no notice of his words, keeps staring-

_Chris: _Um…O-kay…uh…Watari, go jump off cliff.

_L: _-turns to Watari- No!

_Watari: _-starts chuckling like an old person- You thought I was serious? ^ o ^

_L: _. . . –sweatdrop-

-Watari walks away from the edge of the cliff and dons the CHS, still laughing at his supposedly intelligent boss-

-Mogi jumps dutifully-

_Aizawa: _-lets out string of profanities, ends with- —theres no fing way I'll do this!

-Aizawa wears CHS-

_Matt: _Whatever.

-Matt doesn't even care, so he doesn't jump…continues playing video game-

_-_B dives off the cliff-

_Ryuk: _Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk.

_Chris: _Hey…should we cut the handcuffs o—

_L: _-interrupts- No. If you do, I'll have Watari snipe you.

_Chris: _O-okAY then… -backs off-

_L: _Ready, Light?

_Light: _H-hey! Who said I was going to jump!

_L: _-looks confused- I assumed that you would want to win this. Unless you are trying to lower your Kira percentage by saying that you are afraid to jump, thus showing me that you have less motive to win and more self preservation, which of course would also raise your Kira percentage, seeing as Kira does not wish to die so that he can reign over his new world as god, as that is his mentality.

_Chris: _-listening, thinks to self- _What…?_

_Light: _W-what? ! That's crazy, Ryuzaki! No one wants to die!

_L: _Indeed. But, most likely, we will not. –takes step forward-

_-Chris snickers in the background and mutters something about the ratings-_

_Light: _No! Absolutely not!

_L: _-jumps off cliff-

_Light: _-grabs chain and does not let himself go over the cliff-

-L is dangling over cliff by handcuff-

_L: _Light-kun, this is rather painful. Please jump.

_Light: _Not on your life, you psycho sugar-crazed, sleep-deprived, insane detective!

_L: _-swings on handcuff, trying to pull Light over-

-Rem, not liking Light anyway, can't resist going over to him and pushing him-

_-Light falls off cliff-_

-L lands in the safety zone while Light does not-

-Sharks are going after Light-

_-while Light is struggling, L gets pulled out of the safety zone by the handcuffs-_

_L: _This is all your fault, Light-kun! If you had just jumped with me, we both would be SAFE!

-sharks are attacking them-

-L randomly somehow magically summons an axe and whacks a shark with it-

-The sharks frenzy and attack the bloody shark-

_L: _Haha! Let's escape!

_-Later that night-_

_Light: _-marches up to Chris, points angrily at piece of paper he's holding-

_Chris: _Uh…yes Light?

_Light: _THIS PAPER SAYS THAT RYUZAKI AND I ARE IN DIFFERENT CABINS!

_Chris: _W-well…we figured it would be good for the ratings if the people handcuffed together had to be in different cabins…it makes things more interesting! –nervous laughter-

_Light: _I DEMAND WE ARE IN THE SAME CABIN!

-L is just standing there, amused-

_Chris: _Well I demand more interns, but I don't get that, do I?

_Light: _WELL THIS WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE! ! ! ! ! THE CHAIN IS ONLY LIKE, 6 FEET LONG!

_Chris: _Well I offered to _cut _the chain, but your friend said _no_.

_Light: _THAT'S BECAUSE IM A MASS MURDER SUSPECT!

_Chris: _Ooh, this _will _make the ratings go up!

_Light: _o-o;;; WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THE RATINGS!

_Chris: _Fine, fine…you both sleep in _between _the cabins…outside! ^ ^

_Light: _-eyetwitch- You don't seem to be hearing me, do you?

_Chris: _Yeah…you see, I have these ear plugs in…I could only hear you before because you were shouting… -removes ear plugs as a demonstration-

_Light: _WELL TAKE THEM OUT!

_Chris: _I just did!

_Light: _RYUZAKI AND I ARE IN THE SAME CABIN UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE! ! ! ! !

_Chris: _Fine, fine, fine…

_Light: _good.

(Nix says: "Chris you're such a numbskull but we still love you)

-Next day-

_Chris: _-on megaphone- EVERYONE WAKE UP!

-peoplez come out of cabins-

_5:56 am:_

_Misa: _= _ = It's too early!

_Chris: _Yeah…no one cares. Anyway, it is now time for the Awake-A-Thon. The last person to fall asleep wins!

~To Skip Days Of Boredom~

_The List of People to fall Asleep, from First To Fall Asleep to Last to Fall Asleep:_

Sayu, Misa, Takada, Matt, Mello, Near, Watari, Aizawa, Matsuda, Mogi, Soichiro, Light, Mikami, Beyond, L.

-The people who get voted off are…Sayu, Matt, Mogi, and Watari-

_Mikami: _-as he says who is getting voted off, after each name he shouts- DELETE!

-The next challenge is a game of dodge ball-

-Light and L are put on separate teams-

_Light: _-walks up to Chris, eyetwitch- YOU PUT RYUZAKI AND I ON DIFFERENT TEAMS? !

_Chris: _Of course! It's good for the ratings. Especially since I wasn't able to put you in different cabins.

_Light: _YOU BETTER PUT US ON—

_L: _Light-kun, calm down. It is alright. Besides, every time you yell at this man, your Kira percentage goes up.

_Light: _-growls-

-Game starts-

_L: _Light-kun…are you thinking what I am?

_Light: _My Kira percentage is NOT going up, is it?

_L: _No, no…the other thing.

_Light: _Ooh, yeah. Neither of us can get out or the remaining one will have to remain by the side lines.

_L: _Exactly.

_Light: _Then let's not get hit until the end.

_L: _Agreed.

-Near gets out immediately, as he is just sitting there in the middle of the court-

_-_a ball is coming at Light's head-

-L jerks the chain down to make Light duck-

-Aizawa yells at L for doing this and ends up getting hit because of it-

-Misa gets hit-

-Takada gets a dodge ball smashed into her face and breaks her nose-

-It ends up coming down to Light and L-

_L: _Well, Light-kun. We are so close…Those who strike first win.

-Both dash towards two dodge balls-

-Both pull in different directions and fall down-

-They get up and grab their dodge balls-

-Both get hit in the face by said dodge balls-

_Chris: _Tie! Since it's a tie, no one gets invincibility! :D ^ ^

_Light: _-eyetwitch-

_L: _It would be more logical if we _both _got it.

_Chris: _Yeah well…it would benefit the ratings if you _didn't _get it.

-Light glares-

_Chris: _Fine, Light gets invincibility.

_L: _-stares at everyone else- If you vote me off, you will face the wrath of the century's greatest detective for as long as you live.

_-In the eliminations…-_

_Mikami: _Takada…DELETE! Mikami…DELETE!

-That night, something interesting happens-

-Everyone hears scary laughter echoing throughout the camp-

_Matsuda: _AHHH IT'S A GHOST!

-everyone else in the cabin (Soichiro, Aizawa, Misa, Near, Mello) are thoroughly creeped out-

_Sidoh: _AHHH! ! ! -freaks out, random appearance- (the shinigami) –random disappearance-

_-Matsuda runs to Chef- -Chef turns around with a butcher knife full of blood-_

_Matsuda:_ O_O –calms down- Chef! Help!

_Chef: _Whatduya want? !

_Matsuda: _Uh…help! There's a ghost!  
_Chef: _. . .

_Matsuda: _I hear evil laughter!

_Chef: _-pushes Matsuda out of the kitchen-

_Matsuda: _PLEASE HELP US! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

-Chef throws the knife over Matsuda's head-

_Matsuda: _AH!

-Matsuda runs-

_Matsuda: _-wonders to self- _I wonder how L and Light are? ! _–runs to L and Light and Beyond's cabin-

-sees Light watching a movie laughing hysterically and evilly with the Kira laugh-

_L: _-staring at Light with intense interest-

_Beyond: _-laughing at Light's evilness-

_Matsuda: _What in the world happened? !

_L: _I showed Light a comedy.

Matsuda: _-terrified-_

-the next day-

_Chris: _The next challenge is a talent show. The pairings are…Light, L, Beyond, and Matsuda for team one, and Misa, Near, Mello, and Soichiro for team two. Aizawa and his afro are team three. Go!

-Light and L do tennis while being able to do it properly despite the chain-

_Matsuda: _Soooo…Beyond…what will _we _do?

_Beyond: _-creepy smile- I have a perfect plan… Matsuda, go and get the remaining interns and some of the cameramen.

_Matsuda: _Um…why?

_Beyond: _Just do it.

_Matsuda: _Okay….

-on stage, there are two cameramen and one intern-

-they are tied up-

_Beyond: _The thing we are going to do for the talent show are murder these people in three creative ways.

_Matsuda: _o _ o WHAT? !

_Beyond: _Matsuda, hand me the butcher knife.

_Matsuda: _o.o THAT'S what you wanted it for? !

_Beyond: _-evil smile- -takes butcher knife-

_Intern: _-screaming- IDIDNOTSIGNUPFORTHIS! ! !

_Beyond: _Yes you did.

_Chris: _Well, you might as well have.

_Beyond: _-Chops off intern's arm-

_Matsuda: _AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! –crying-

_Intern: _-screaming- BLOODY MURDER! ! !

_Beyond: _-cuts off toe and then makes him eat it-

_Matsuda: _-girly shriek-

_Beyond: _-cuts off fingers- -then scalps him- -intern dies of loss of blood- Heheheh…now on to the NEXT one… (Thank you TheLegacyLivesFormerlyLLives for this wonderfully gory idea I am about to write)

_-Cameramen scream-_

_Beyond: _-takes out steam roller and flattens cameraman- -dances on steam roller while continuously rolling over cameraman's crotch-

-everyone in the audience is screaming except for Chris, who is laughing-

-Matsuda is crying-

-Near has blood all over him and looks really hot-

-L is watching with interest-

_Beyond: _Now…for the last one… -takes out a pickaxe- -takes pointy part of pickaxe and shoves it up cameraman's nose and pick out his brains, slices off cameraman's head and leaves pickaxe sticking out of his throat- And _that's _how you do it.

-everyone in the audience is traumatized but Chris and L and Near-

-Matsuda has to be carried off the stage-

-Beyond is laughing, all covered in blood carrying a bloody butchers knife-

-Next is Misa and Soichiro-

-Misa sings while Soichiro dances the chicken dance-

-L cheers like a fangirl- -gets strange looks from pretty much everybody, including Beyond, who is thinking _I'm imitating this guy?_-

-Near and Mello are next-

-Mello rides a motorcycle while in the back, Near eats his toys-

_Chris: _The ones who wins the invincibility is most definitely Beyond Birthday and Touta Matsuda for their excellent and entertaining performance.

_Matsuda: _NOOO LET ME OUT OF HERE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

_Mikami: _Aizawa…DELETE! Because you failed to do anything. Mello…DELETE!

(Nix: I bet they are GLAD to be off of the island, with Beyond there…)

_Misa: _Why is Mikami still here? !

_Chris: _I hired him to delete people. –shrug-

-later that night-

-Misa takes a shower. When she gets out, she can't find any of her clothes. However, there is a cow costume/suit-

-everyone is sitting around a campfire-

-Misa shows up wearing the cow suit-

-everyone looks at her-

_Misa: _I hate Chris! I'm afraid of stalkers!

_Matsuda: _I'm afraid of Beyond Birthday.

_-Beyond chuckles darkly-_

-Matsuda shivers-

_Ryuk: I'm _afraid of apples.

-everyone stares at him-

_Ryuk: _I'm afraid that they will eat me, so I must eat them first! And I realized that they taste really good.

_Everyone: _. . .

_Soichiro: _I'm afraid of fire.

_Near: _(Nix: Near should say "I'm afraid of toys, so I play with them so that they don't play with me." Ratt: WTF, you pervert! Nix: No no, I didn't mean it that way! Ratt: …um, no.) I'm afraid of tight spaces.

_Light: _I'm afraid of someone ruining my perfect hair and my perfect looks. (Ratt: How bout Light says "I'm afraid of someone finding out that I'm Kira!" Nix: L would say "Light-kun, you're Kira percentage is now 100%." No, Ratt. No. Ratt: Awww…)

_L: _I'm afraid of the supernatural.

-Ryuk and Rem grin-

_L: _-looks at Ryuk and Rem- Not _you _two. I'm used to you.

-grins fade-

_Misa: _Beyond, what are _you _afraid of?

_Beyond: _I'm not afraid of anything.

-Misa walks up to him-

_Misa: _Everyone is afraid of _something_.

-Beyond quickly backs away from Misa-

_Beyond: _Uh…not me.

_Misa: _Moo?

_Beyond: _Stop it!

_Misa: _Cows? Moooooooooo!

_Beyond: _SHUT UP! STOP MOOING! I'll kill you!

-Misa decides to shut up-

-everyone stares at Beyond-

-Beyond sits down and regains his composure and scares them to stop staring at him by grinning evilly at them all-

-The next day-

_Chris:_ Everyone. Today, you will face your greatest fears.

_Beyond: _But I'm not afraid of anything.

_Chris: _Oh, you are. We're always watching.

_Beyond: _…Watch me all you want, you won't find anything.

_Chris: _Just wait. Okay, Misa, today you will be stalked by someone.

_Misa: _-shriek-

_Chris: _Ryuk? Even though you aren't playing, I was bored. Today, I will be throwing shinigami-eating apples at you that Sidoh provided me with for some reason. ^ ^

_Ryuk: _WTF! (Ratt: He should totally say "If I wasn't tied to Light because of his ownership of the Death Note, I would so be out of here!" Nix: Lol L would say "100%, Kira-kun.") 

_Chris: _For Light, we are going to totally mess up his hair and cover him with dirt and stuff.

_Light: _-hyperventilating-

_Chris: _Near, we are going to stuff you into a very cramped see-through box and burry you for two hours in it so that you can't escape.

_Near: _-eyes widen-

_Chris: _Soichiro, we are going to put you in a room with Chef for an hour, and Chef will be…um…_making dinner_…coughplayingwithmatchescough.

_Soichiro: _o _ o

_Chris: _Matsuda…

_Matsuda: _-gulps and freaks out before Chris even says anything-

_Chris: _Beyond, I'll need your help with this.

_Beyond: _Do I get to murder someone?

_-Matsuda looks at Chris intensely-_

_Chris: _Um…if you do it right, then you get the new interns all to yourself. Come here. –whispers to Beyond- Chase Matsuda with a bunch of murder weapons, but do NOT kill him. If you kill him…I will take away _all _the weapons on the island. Yes, even the rocks. But just don't go easy on him. You know what I mean?

_Beyond: _Alright. =] –creepy smile-

_Chris: _Awesome. Matsuda, you will be hunted down by Beyond for 6 hours. I'll give you a four second head start. He is allowed to do anything to you. –crosses fingers behind back-

_Matsuda: _W-what? ! Four seconds head start? !

_Chris: _Yep. Better get moving.

_Matsuda: _-screams and runs-

_Chris: _-hands Beyond a mace and several other weapons- Good luck! :D And Beyond, I'll give you _your _challenge in six hours.

-Beyond goes off to hunt Matsuda-

_Chris: _Now, Soichiro. Go off with Chef. –Soichiro does so-

-Chef takes out a flame thrower and grins-

_Chris: _L, before I give you your challenge, you must stalk Misa. All day. But don't go yet until I give Light his challenge.

-Chris arranges it so that fake supernatural occurrences follow L around for the whole day, as he would-

_Chris: _-grabs Near and shoves him into a see-through box- You're going under ground.

_Near: _Too…little…space…box…only…two centimeters away from my head...

-Near's box gets carried and dropped into a hole in the ground and he gets buried-

_Near: _-Attempting to remain calm-

_Chris: _Light, get over here. –yank- -messes up hair completely- -covers him in mud and dirt and dumps the contents of a trashcan over his head- Okay ^ ^ Now L, go stalk Misa.

-L does so-

_Light: _D: My perfect image! ! ! ! ! !

-Beyond is chasing Matsuda with a pitch-fork-

-Misa is screaming that "Ryuzaki is a perverted stalker! ! ! !"-

-Ryuzaki feels unloved and freaked out because things are levitating in the air-

_Chris: _-thinks to self- invisible strings have their benefits…

-Soichiro is freaking out because Chef is doing crazy crap with fire-

-Near is hyperventilating-

-6 hours later-

_-_Matsuda is in shock from fear, cornered-

_Chris: _Beyond! Time is up! It's your turn.

-Matsuda faints from relief-

_Beyond: _But I'm not afraid of anything.

_Chris: _-takes Beyond to a field and locks Beyond into the field-

_Beyond: _What the…?

-Chris releases 16 cows in the field with Beyond-

_Chris: _Beyond Birthday, you are afraid of cows.

_Beyond: _W-what gives you that idea? You've m-made a mistake… -sweatdrop- I'm not afraid of t-this. Release me now, b-because th-this isn't going to work. This is s-stupid.

-A cow comes up behind Beyond-

_Cow: _Moo.

_Beyond: _-Beyond jumps and his hair stands up on the back of his neck and his body stiffens- Oh…oh my god…it's…it's a cow!

_Chris: _-snort- of course it's a cow, Beyond. Didn't you see them being released?

_Beyond: _O-oh yeah…

-cow starts nibbling gently on Beyond's shirt-

-Beyond spazzes out and pulls away from the cow-

-Chris throws Cow Attract on Beyond, so that the cows are attracted to him-

_Beyond: _-nervous laugh- Why-why'd ya do that?

-Cows start mooing and coming over to him-

_Beyond: _-presses his back up against the fence-

-cows start surrounding him-

-everyone who has already done their challenge gets called over to watch Beyond-

-Near is shaken from his experience but watches Beyond-

-Misa is freaked out by L and Light stalking her but watches-

-L is freaked out about ghosts but watches-

-Light hides behind L because he looks awful but still sees Beyond-

-Matsuda watches in awe of the cows-

-Soichiro, who had run from the kitchen and not completed the challenge, was also watching-

-Chris is laughing, amused at what he is doing to Beyond's ego-

-The cows come closer to Beyond-

_Beyond: _-Beyond, desperate, yells- GO AWAY COWS!

_Cows: _Mooooo.

_Beyond: _-presses up even closer to the wall, if possible- W-why don't you just leave me alone? ! (Ratt: Awww poor Beyond, afraid of cows! D: I wanna give him a hug ^ o ^ or a pat on the back. Its so adorable. Nix: -muses- I don't think _he _finds it very adorable. I wonder what he'll do to the cameramen who are putting this on national tv?)

_Beyond: _I WON'T FALL TO THESE COWS!

-cows come closer-

_Beyond: _-trembling and quivering-

-cows all moo simultaneously-

_Beyond: _-curls into a ball whimpering- make them stop…make them stoppp…

_Chris: _Does that mean you give up?

_Beyond: _(Me: Beyond says "Please don't make me face the wrath of the cows!" XD) –Beyond's ego is successfully obliterated- -shivering- Yes…yes…I give up…

_Chris: _-laughs- Cows, leave. –on that simple command, cows go away from Beyond-

-Chris unlocks the gate and Beyond leaves-

-Beyond also does not look at anybody-

-In the elimination round...-

_Mikami: _Soichiro…DELETE! Misa…DELETE!

-The next day-

_Chris: _Everyone, you all wrote down a dare yesterday. Now, I mixed them all up and you will pull one dare out of a hat and do it. Failure to do this will result in elimination. Go!

-Near pulls out a dare-

_Dare: _"Murder someone on this show" –Beyond

_Near: _Uh… -stares at his comrade's curious faces- -drops paper- I refuse to do this.

_Everyone: _What is it, Near?

_Near: _It says to murder one of you.

_Everyone: _Uh…good choice not to. Sorry Near, bye.

_Mikami: _Near…DELETE!

_-_Matsuda pulls one out of the hat-

_Dare: _"Ram your head into a tree." –Light

-Matsuda does so-

_Matsuda: _Ow.

-Light pulls one out-

_Dare: _"Admit you are Kira, Light-kun." –L

(Ratt: o.O Whoa how did he know Light would pick it up?)

_Light: _I-I can't do it. I'm not Kira!

_Mikami: _God…DELETE!

_L: _98%, Light-kun…

_Light: _BLARG

-Beyond, still not looking at anyone, pulls out a dare-

_Dare: _"Skip around happily singing 'Joy to the World'." –Matsuda

_Beyond: _-in case his ego isn't totally destroyed _already_, he skips off to the forest and does it-

-L pulls out a dare-

_Dare: _"Play with Barbie dolls." –Near

_L: _-eyetwitch- It's not that I will not do this…it's just that I don't wanna be here anymore…so no.

_Mikami: _Ryuzaki…DELETE!

-Now it is just Beyond and Matsuda left-

_Chris: _Now…the final challenge.

-Matsuda is freaked that Beyond is up against him-

-Beyond is amused-

_Chris: _I have let a murderer loose on the island. Whoever catches the murderer first wins.

_Matsuda: _Is this legal?

_Chris: _Pretty sure it isn't…but…oh well.

_Matsuda: _-wraps arms around Beyond- I caught him.

_Beyond: _-flips out and pins Matsuda to the ground- Don't. Ever. Touch. Me. Again. _GOT IT? _

_Matsuda: _. _ . G-got it, Beyond…

-The murderer is set loose on the island-

_Chris: _Go!

-an hour passes and it gets dark out-

-Beyond is thinking like a murderer and looking for places a murderer would hide-

-Matsuda is just walking away, freaked out, a gun with him-

-Matsuda runs and sees Chef, but thinks he's the murderer, so he runs the other way and runs into Beyond. Freaked out about Beyond, Matsuda runs back the way he came and runs into the real murderer. Thinking the murderer is Chef, Matsuda in fear wraps his arms around the murderer, accidentally suffocating him. Matsuda is successful in capturing the murderer-

_Chris: _Matsuda wins!

_Beyond: _WHAT?

_Matsuda: _WHAT?

_Chef: _WHAT?

_Ryuk: _WHAT?

_Rem: _WHAT?

_Mikami: _WHAT?

_Matsuda: _…I'm so happy that everyone thought I was going to win.

_Chris: _I know that Matsuda winning against Beyond is very shocking, but he just suffocated the murderer. ^ ^ Matsuda wins! ! ! ! !

End! Finally! Twelve pages! I TOLD you it was gonna be long. Hey, we wrote twelve pages; the least you could do is review! =DDD Lol, this took three days to write. Honestly, who expected Matsuda to be the winner? :D Anyone? I found this amusing to write. I loved all the Beyond parts. I realized that its REALLY fun to control him. Mwahahaha the evil cows are coming to get you. How many of you liked my writing with Nix? It probably won't happen very often. It would happen more often if we had lunch hour together, but our idiot school denied us even this. Hehehe maybe we're too destructive together. But guess what! Sakonon is finally going to be a freshman and is going to be attending my high school! But…she also won't be in my lunch hour. o.e

Oh well. Thank you for reading so much. :D All reviews ROCK! 


	19. Light Is An Idiot

Everyone, I regret to inform you that Sakonon is dead. She died by my own hand, after failing to answer my phone calls or texts for over two weeks. Unfortunately—erm, ahem—fortunately, recently the doctors have found a cure for death. Darn…erm, Rejoice! So while its true she is now alive again, if she does not answer the phone within the next week (ahem, hint hint, Sakonon…) she might have to face that traumatic experience once more. (Curse hockey)

Lol jk. Hmm though I _am _serious about needing to answer that phone…

So I'm getting help with ideas from other people! :D When Sakonon is finally not preoccupied with hockey (which it seems she is doing even at 10:30 pm) she will resume assisting me. Woot! :D 

I'm back at school, so I don't know if I'll be able to update this very fast. 

**Scenario: What if, when all the cops decided to leave the investigation (besides Soichiro, Mogi, Matsuda, Aizawa, Ukita, etc…) for fear of being killed by Kira, L decided to leave, too?**

_S: _Anyone who wants to leave this investigation now, we will not blame you for leaving. Think about loved ones, family members, friends…

-people leave-

_S: _Okay, so there are now six of us, including L.

_L: _Actually, I wish to leave this investigation also. I have decided I do not want to lose my life for this case. I was only starting the investigation off for you guys. I never intended to finish it.

_S: _…but…you are the smartest one here…

_L: _Indeed. But I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out. Goodbye.

**Scenario: What if Light decided that in order to draw suspicions away from him, he would act like an idiot when L introduced himself at his school?**

_L: _I want to tell you, _I'm L!_

_Light: _OMG YOU ARE L! ! ! ! ! O.O I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! OMG I WANTED TO MEET YOU! HAHAHAHA! THIS IS SO COOL! I'M LIGHT!

_L: _. . .

-later-

_L: _I challenge you to a game of tennis.

_Light: _Uh…no _thank _you! That's such a GIRLY game.

_L: _o.O No its n—

_Light: _Yeah, it is. Dude, I mean, SERIOUSLY. We should play something more MANLY, like ping pong!

_L: _I fail to see how ping-pong is more manly than ten—

_Light: _Or FOOTBALL! Something with skills USEFUL in life.

_L: _…

-later-

_L: _Well, Light Yagami, I suspect that you may, in fact, be Kira.

_Light: _WHAT THE HECK? ! HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT _I _AM KIRA! YOU IDIOT! YOU ARE SUCH A LOSER! –proceeds to laugh for 5 minutes straight- (Have you ever tried laughing for that long? I have. o.o And its really hard to stop laughing afterwards) L YOU'RE SO STUPID! XD

_L: _…

-later-

_L: _I want to know if you would like to be on the investigation team.

_Light: _OH MY GOD YES! THAT WOULD BE SOOOO COOL! :D

_L: _um…never mind…

**Scenario: What if during the L.A B.B Murder Cases, L had an idea? **(I'm using an idea from the previous chapter)

_L: _I know who is going to be murdered next! I have a plan!

-the people set to be murdered next each receive a cow in the mail-

-Beyond goes over to their houses to murder them, but sees cows-

_Beyond: _wtf…? –flees-

-people are safe-

(fail)

**Scenario: What if when Rem went to drop Misa's Death Note (during the confinement arc), she accidentally dropped it not-near-Higuchi and it landed on L's head?**

-book falls on L's head-

_L: _)= stupid book! How dare it fall on my head!

_L: _-burns book-

_Light: _-not yet given up his Death Note- =O NOOOOOO! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Uh…sorry that was super short…AGAIN. I'm really failing at this without my dead sidekick. D:

Review! Please? Maybe with ideas, too? .z.

Also, you should check out my "What L Came Back to and WHY he Came Back to It" story. Lol I know, long title. .z. I'll try to update faster next time. And make it longer. 


	20. The Terrible Lost In Blue 3 Obsession

This is gonna be short, but oh well. Recently I have gotten re-obsessed with a game that Sakonon and I had a major obsession with about two and a half years ago. Then we wondered what would happen if L got said obsession. ^ ^ enjoy, and don't forget to review! :D 

**Scenario: What if L started playing the DS game "Lost in Blue 3" and got obsessed with it? **(Lol, Sakonon and I also got very obsessive with this game the first time we played it. Though I was more obsessive than her, and L's behavior in this scenario reflects some of the things I did when playing it XD. Lost in Blue is a game where you are stranded on an island [you got shipwrecked] and must survive. Playing as Sam, you have no memory of your life [amnesia]. At first you survive with a girl named Claire, who claims to have known Sam before he lost his memory. She is rather useless and doesn't usually do things when you ask her to. It is incredibly frustrating. ^ ^)

_L: _-inserts game into DS and begins to play. It is around 5 in the morning and no one is around- I shall play as Sam. –a few minutes later- Hm…a girl singing… What the heck? Girl, why are you singing? There is nothing to sing about! You are _stranded _on an _island_!

_-in the game-: -The girl introduces herself as Claire-_

_Claire: Oh my god, Sam! _

_Sam: Is that my name?_

_Claire: Yes! You are my boyfriend!_

_Sam: …?_

_Claire: D: You don't remember? ?_

_Sam: I don't remember anything._

_Claire: I see. I found a cave! :D Let's go!_

_-Sam and Claire go to a cave and make a fire-_

_L: _You shouldn't go off with a random stranger! She could be Kira!

-two days of nonstop gameplaying later…-

_L: _Ooh! A jungle! I've found a jungle! Oh, what's this? A cliff that I need to jump across? Hmm… how? Oh, Claire is supposed to make a rope to help with the bridge? Alright, I'll get the supplies to do so. –a few minutes later-

_In the game…_

_Sam: Claire, would you do me a favour?_

_Claire: What is it?_

_Sam: Would you please make a rope?_

_Claire: I don't _feel _like it! –pouts-_

_L: _. . .What? –asks Claire again the same question-

_In the game…_

_Claire: No, I don't want to._

_L:_ (This is how _I _responded to her refusing to make me a rope. Yes, I _did _start screaming at my DS) –shouts-YOU STUPID FEMALE! I FREAKING FIND THE FOOD, MAKE THE FOOD, GET THE FIREWOOD, RELIGHT THE FIRE WHEN YOU FREAKING LET IT BURN OUT, GIVE YOU WATER, GIVE YOU PRESENTS, RUN AROUND IN STORMS MAKING SURE YOU ARE CARED FOR, EXPLORE JUNGLES, SAVE YOU FROM THE WOLVES THAT HAVE ATTACKED YOU _TWICE_, AND NOW YOU DON'T "FEEL" LIKE DOING THE SIMPLE TASK OF MAKING A FREAKING _ROPE_? ! ! ? ! ! ? ! ! ? ! ! ? ! ! ? ! ! I HATE YOU! YOU USELESS HUMAN BEING! ! ! ! ! ! I WOULD MAKE THE ROPE _MYSELF _IF THE GAME ALLOWED IT, BUT NO! ! ! ! APPARENTLY, ONLY _YOU _ARE THE ONE WITH THE CAPABILITIES OF MAKING A ROPE, WHICH IS NECESSARY IN ORDER TO ADVANCE GAMEPLAY! STUPID WOMAN! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

-Light walks in, sleepily, as L just woke him up at 2 in the morning with his screaming-

_Light: _Ryuzaki, are you okay…? –rubs eye-

_L: _NO! I AM _NOT _OKAY!

_Light: _… -walks out of room quickly-

-after 5 days of consecutive, non-stop gameplay…-

-at 6 in the morning, Light walks over to L-

_Light: _Hey, Ryuzaki? –puts hand on L's shoulder and Light turns L to face him-

-L is shaking with a crazed look in his eyes, still holding the DS-

_L: _Sh-she…she won't make me a rope… -crazed shaking and teeth chattering from exhaustion- -L laughs a slightly crazed laugh- I…did everything…to try…to force her. I…stopped bringing food to her…and…stopped giving her water! And then… -another crazed slight-laugh- I ran her around until her e-energy m-meter was empty… hee hee hee…but…still…she…sh-she won't make me a rope! =O ) _ ( O=

_Light: _…uh…may I try?

_L: _-starts laughing for two minutes, evilly- you can TRY, Light-kun…however, you shall FAIL! FAIL I tell you, _FAIL!_

_Light: _Um…okay then…just…give me a shot. .z.

_L: _-hands DS to Light-

_Light: _-plays DS- -6 minutes later, he hands it back to L- She agreed to make a rope.

_L: _WHAT? !

_Light: _uh…yeah…basically, you just need to be really nice to her, and she'll want to do stuff for you.

_L: _. . . I hate you.

-_on day 6 of consecutive, nonstop gameplay…-_

-L is nearly falling out of his chair from exhaustion and stress-

_Light: _Uh…Ryuzaki. The Task Force members and I have agreed that…we think that it's time for an intervention…so…Mogi, take the DS away from him.

-Mogi attempts to confiscate L's DS, but L bites his hand-

_Mogi: _AH! He BIT me!

-L growls- _L: _this is _MY_ DS!

_Light: _We never said it wasn't! We just think that it would be…healthy for you…if you would take a little break. Perhaps work on the Kira Case…or get some sleep…

_L: _You lie, Kira! YOU LIE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

_-L randomly passes out from exhaustion, though he is clutching the DS so tightly that no one can pry it away from him without waking him up. But they are afraid that if they wake him up he will just start playing again, which they do not wish to happen-_

_-About 10 hours later, L wakes up and continues playing-_

_L: _Hmm…now that I have crossed this bridge, I see a black man. Claire is following me…hmm…I'm going to say hi to the man. He must be stranded, too! ^ ^ -goes up to other random character in the game-

_In the game: _

_Sam: Hi! ^ ^ I'm Sam! This is Claire!_

_L: _-a few moments later- WTF WHY DID HE JUST TRY TO PUNCH ME! ? I JUST _MET _THE DUDE! Hmmm…his name is James…

_In the game…_

_James: You are evil! On the boat, I saw you! People were dropping dead around you! You weren't even touching them! Get away from me, and release your pretty hostage!_

_Claire: What? ! Sam's my _boyfriend_! And –blah blah blah-…_

_L: _OMG! SAM MUST BE KIRA! ! ! ! ! ! ! O_O DKFJAKLJDFLAKDF! ! ! ! ! ! ! EVERYBODY! I GOT A NEW KIRA LEAD!

-L explains-

_S: _Ryuzaki…this is a VIDEO GAME character…

_L: _-gasp- SO THE COMPANY PLANNED IT! DFGFLKJAKLFJDA!

_Everyone else: _…

-A day later of nonstop playing-

_L: _OMG! A random girl just crashed a plane onto the island! Hmmm…now we have to find medicine for her because she is dying? Alright.

-L finds medicine for her a million times faster than I was able to- (I was stuck trying to figure out how to get to the place that the medicine herbs were…for like…a year and a half…it was…horrible x.x)

-Sam, Claire, and James give the girl the medicine and she wakes up-

_In the game…_

_Sam: Who are you?_

_Girl: My name is Kumiko! ^ ^_

_Claire: Hi Kumiko._

_Sam: Why are you here?_

_Kumiko: Oh, we're a group of friends who are stranded on an island! ^ ^_

_Sam: I see. That's weird._

_-gameplay continues as normal, except "Kumiko" is added to the party-_

_L: _WHAT THE HECK? ! WHAT IS _WRONG _WITH YOU PEOPLE? ! SHE COULD BE KIRA! YOU DON'T EVEN QUESTION HER FURTHER? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! –L chucks the DS out the window in frustration-

_Light: _-says to Mogi- Well, I guess that's that. .z.

Lol sorry there was only one scenario. Sakonon and I didn't really have much time to talk. I'll try to update soon! Please review! Please! Or…um…._I _shall strand you on an island! ^ o ^ WITH Claire… -evil, maniac laughter- And you will have good luck for the rest of the week if you DO review. :D


	21. Darth Vader Is L's Father

Oh my god! I've been away for so long! Almost five months! D: I'm so sorry! I really am! Lots of stuff has been going on lately. However, I'm back. And here's the next chapter of the L What If Parody. Sakonon did not help with this one, so it might not be very good. Also, the writing might suck because I haven't written in this format in 5 months. So tell me what you think!

**Scenario: What if L met a rabid Light fangirl?**

_L: _Hello ther—

_Light Fangirl: _OMG! It's L! –glares- I hate you!

_L: _May I inquire why?

_Light Fangirl: _Because of what you did to my Light-kun!

_L: _… And what, exactly, did I do to "your Light-kun"?

_Light Fangirl: _You put him in solitary confinement!

_L: _That was Light-kun's choice.

_Light Fangirl: _You handcuffed him to yourself! My poor Light-kun!

_L: _…You do realize he killed me?

_Light Fangirl: _Of course! And you deserved it!

_L: _Just making sure.

_Light Fangirl: _And he's so much smarter than you!

_L: _If that were the case, then how was it that I was able to tell from the very start that he was Kira?

_Light Fangirl: _It was all Misa's fault! ! ! ! !

_L: _I had come to that conclusion before Amane even showed up.

_Light Fangirl: _You're just jealous because my Light-kun is HAWT!

_L: _Why would I be jealous of that? Besides, Light-kun died, too.

_Light Fangirl: _-furious- WE DO NOT SPEAK OF SUCH THINGS!

(Oh my god, that…completely and utterly failed.)

**Scenario: What if Darth Vader suddenly burst into the room and shouted, "L! I AM YOUR FATHER!" ?**

_Darth: _-bursts in the room- L! I AM YOUR FATHER!

_L: _-glances up, takes a bite of cake- That's interesting. I am your mother.

_Darth: _… -weirded out; leaves-

Oh man. I am going to stop right here. This is officially the suckiest thing I've ever written o_O. This failed so badly. …

-Ratt Kazamata


	22. Punk Rockers And Shinigami Wings

This is gonna be short, cuz it's almost 2 am and I don't really have many ideas to go on. Recently my friend Toki and I were talking about headbanging whenever we spoke and how funny it would be, and then somehow we started talking about what would happen if _L _started doing that. I decided to just write it.

**Scenario: What if L decided to go all "intense punk-rocker"?**

-L and Light are ordering food at McDonalds-

_McStaff Member: _Welcome to McDonalds. Is there anything you would like to order?

_L: _-doing constant headbangs while speaking- I'd like a f!cking cheeseburger!

_Light: _O_o

_McStaff Member: _Umm…okayyyy…one moment please… -turns to go prepare it-

_L: _-slams fist on counter, headbangs again- Wait!

_McStaff Member: _. . . ?

_L: _Hold the f!cking cheese on my damn cheeseburger!

_McStaff Member: _Erm…did you just tell me not to put cheese on your cheeseburger?..

_L: _Duh, that's what I said. You deaf?

_Light: _-kinda freaked out-

_McStaff Member: _…Well, I do have hearing aids.

_L: _-shouts loudly- DUDE! XD You weren't supposed to _answer _that! –starts headbanging and snapping his fingers-

_McStaff Member: _-not quite sure what to do- … -nervous laugh- ha…ha…? . - .

**Scenario: What if Light actually did make a deal with Ryuk for shinigami wings?**

_L: _-muttering to himself- Hmm…where should I even begin to search for this mysterious killer…?

_W: _-rushes in- Ryuzaki! Turn on the news!

_L: _Hm? –turns on tv-

_-on the tv-_

_News reporter: _—what appears to be a teenage boy with wings, flying around the city! I've never seen anything like it!

_-Cameraman zooms in on Light, flying in the sky-_

_Light: _-evil smirk- -soars around- WEEEEEE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I AM THE GOD OF THIS NEW WORLD! ! ! ! ! !

_L: _…I don't think we have to look much further.

I'm rewatching Death Note, and I recently saw the episode where Light was telling Ryuuk (well, "joking" to Ryuuk) that if Ryuuk offered him Shinigami wings, he would fly around and be all Godlike. Somehow that really amused me, so I wrote that. 

Review! Even though it's super short! D:

Maybe the next chapter shall be longer… 

~Ratt K.

4/12/2011


	23. Doctor What? and A Dog Named Potato

Hey everybody! The "L What If Parody" is now being written without Sakonon's help (or the help of anyone else, for that matter), as Sakonon is constantly busy with hockey and schoolwork. So please, bear with me. If the ideas from here on out totally suck, then I apologize. For some reason, I'm not good at coming up with ideas without someone else to bounce ideas off of for this story, despite the fact that I have written all my other humor fics on this site alone just fine. Wanna see if you can maybe be this fic's new co-author? Send me a message! 

Well, these are just some random things I came up with. –w-

**Scenario: What if L and Watari decided to pretend to be each other for a day, and adopt a dog named Potato?**

_W: _-puts on a long sleeved, white t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans- -applies lots of black eye makeup under eyes to make it look like he is sleep-deprived-

_L: _-puts on a (le gasp~) suit, a tie, dress shoes, and eye makeup (to cover the bags under his eyes)- -carries Watari's round little serving tray with a plate of cake on top of it-

_-The task force comes in to work that morning, and are freaked out by what they see. Watari is sitting in L's computer chair, kneeling on the seat because he is too old to bring his knees up to his chest. He is eating a cake, and attempting to appear to be in his 20s. L is standing (his back almost straightened) stoically at the door, holding the tray of cake and attempting to appear to be in his 70s. Light, being attached to L by the handcuff, is sitting on the floor at L's feet, pretending to be a dog-_

_Soichiro: _What exactly is happening? !

_Light: _Ryuzaki and Wat—

_L: _-interrupts- Potato. Don't speak.

_Light: _…Potato?

_L: _Yes. That's your name. Well, your full name is "Potato Chip," but it is easier to simply call you "Potato." Don't speak.

_Light: _Are you insa—

_L: _-gently, in a soothing voice- Shhhh…

_Light: _Bu—

_L: _Potato. Shhhhhhhhh…

_Light: _Stop thi—

_L: _Potato… Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

_Light: _…

_Soichiro: _…

_Aizawa: _-does the Aizawa face-

_Matsuda: _…What on earth is going on?

(Lol you _know _something really weird is happening when even _Matsuda _questions its sanity.)

_Watari (as L): _Ryuzaki and I have switched places for the day. We could not think of anyone for Light to be, so Ryuzaki decided that Light should have to act like a dog. We named him Potato. He's our first pet.

_L (as Watari): _-speaks loudly with a deep voice- And a mighty _fine_ first pet, at that. Potato is even housebroken.

_Soichiro: _I cannot believe you are speaking this way about Light! Housebroken…OF COURSE HE'S HOUSEBROKEN! HE'S 17 YEARS OLD!

_L: _That's a rather old age for a dog of his breed, you see. And you know how old dogs sometimes don't have very much control…if you know what I mean.

_Soichiro: _LIGHT IS NOT A DOG! ! –pissed off-

_L: _You seem to be mistaken. His name is Potato.

_Soichiro: _I REFUSE TO ALLOW YOU TO CALL MY SON A POTATO.

_L: _-stares intensely in Soichiro's eyes- Your son? You fathered a dog, sir?

_Soichiro: _Ryuzaki! Stop this!

_Watari: _But I'm not doing anything.

_Soichiro: _I'M SPEAKING TO RYUZAKI!

_L: _-looks at innocently- But I'm not Ryuzaki. I am Watari.

_Soichiro: _-seething with anger-

_Light: _... Woof .-.

**Scenario: What if L had to go undercover as a doctor for children for a day, and then gets pwned by a smart 8 year old?**

_-8 year old walks into the examination room-_

_L (dressed as a doctor): _Hello there. _–looks at the boy's Patient Chart- _Your name is James, right? How old are you? (Lol he sounds like a creeper somehow)

_Little Child: _-points at L's doctor hat, ignoring the question- I thought only nurses wore the funny hats. owo

_L: _-blinks- I do not see the humour in my hat. Now, how old are you?

_Little Child: _-ignores again- Are you going to put me on the scale?

_L: _Yes, that's part of the procedure. Why won't you tell me your age?

_Little Child: _You should know.

_L: _-cocks head to the side- What makes you come to that conclusion?

_Little Child: _Aren't you Santa Clause? .o.

_L: _(XD He's probably thinking "lolwhut? o-o") –stammers, stumbling over his words- Um…no…Do I seem to be…no…I mean…do you think I…um…I don't have… _-pauses for a quick moment to regain his bearings- _I mean, do I really look that old? ._.

_Little Child: _-shakes head- I was kidding. –laughs- You're a stupid doctor! XD You should know how old I am cuz it _says _my age in that binder you are holding! ^ ^

_L: -feels like an idiot, but also can't believe that he was just called stupid by an eight year old child- -looks down at the boy's file- _Ah…so you're eight. _–looks around- _Erm…where are your parents at?

_Little Child: _-shrugs- Where are yours?

_L: _…That is of little importance. I really do think that your parent or guardian should be here…

_Little Child: _Nah.

_L: _…Okay, I suppose. Why are you here?

_Little Child: _Mommy said I have to.

_L: _You don't have to do anything in life, except die.

_Little Child: _-eyes widen- Are you going to kill me? !

_L: _No! Of course not!

_Little Child: _-grins evilly at L- -shouts as loud as he can- HELP ME! SOMEONE, PLEASE! THE DOCTOR SAID THAT HE WANTS TO KILL ME! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! PLEASE SAVE ME! –shriek- HE JUST TRIED TO HIT ME WITH ONE OF THOSE STABBY THINGS (-w- lol scalpels)! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! OH MY GOD! HE'S GOING BERSERK! AHHHHH!

_L: _-grabs the child roughly and puts a hand over the kid's mouth, wide-eyed-

_-at that moment, the examination room's door opens and the head doctor, two nurses, and the boy's mother rushes through it-_

_Nurse 1: _-screams- He's holding a little boy hostage! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

_Boy's Mother: _DD: Please release my boy!

_L: _-completely lets go of the boy- I am not guilty of anything. ._.

_Little Child: _-runs to his mother and they rush out of the room, but not before the child sneaks a taunting glance in L's direction-

_Head Doctor: -to L- _You're going to have to come with me…

_Meanwhile…_

_Little Child: _-walks by Light, who was standing outside the doctor's office- That was fun.

_Light: _Good job, kid. –does a high five, and sneakily slips money into the kid's hand-

_Little Child: _-continues walking, smiling devilishly-

Gah. I need more ideas before I can make these longer. DX I have a few that might work, but I'm not sure. I'm sorry, and I am aware that this fic is beginning to really suck v.v

Anyway, please press the shiny button below! :D The one with the words "review" on it. The more times this button is pressed, the longer L will live! AND the pressing of the Prettyful Review Button in sequence with the "submit review" button helps prevent natural disasters! :D 

Click itttt…. =O) _ (O=

Thanks for reading!

~Ratt K., 4/14/2011


	24. Up For Grabs

Hello, all. I'm not sure if you remember this story or anything, but I've made the decision for it to be officially discontinued, as I'm not particularly proud of it. Now, why am I wasting your time by telling you this?

Well, I've decided to grant someone permission to adopt this story and continue it on their own account, if anyone wishes to do so. But not just anyone, of course. If you're interested in continuing this story, please send me two scenarios that you come up with on your own. From that, I, as well as a few other people, will decide which person would be best to take over the fic.

Today is Sunday, November 13, 2011. We'll make our decision on Sunday, November 27th. Thank you for bearing with me as long as you have!

~Ratt Kazamata & Sakonon


End file.
